Daphne Bennett

I arrived at York station at 8;50pm for the 9:04pm train. It was 33c at 6 o’clock, still very warm but at least the sun was going down.

As it was warm, a number of train services were delayed, including the one I was expecting. I was on Platform 5. Many were waiting for a train going to KingsX and it should have arrived 2 hours earlier.

There were lots of Asian faces like myself, many with families. All on the phone, I saw one of the male passenger waiting on the bench was having a video call with three parties. I was still wearing my sunglasses -partly because there was still daylight, and partly because I don’t want people to see me, with my headphone on, some Spotify modern piano mix. Waiting. I had no one to call. I am always amazed and amused by people who go everywhere on a video call. Anyway, there is only 12% battery on my phone, I am just not built for a life like that.

Finally, to many passengers’ relief, the KingsX train came at 09:20pm. They probably are all entitled to a full refund now.

I changed my sunglasses to my normal glasses and got up from the bench.

As this lot moved on and emptied their seats, a woman in a black shirt dress sat down behind me. Black work backpack and black trainers. Her hair was a mix of blond and silver. She wore glasses. She had these mint colour nails that match with her mint colour jacket that she was holding on. Our eyes met. She gave me a squeezed smile, a ‘what a day’ smile.

I asked her, do you have long to go?

She said, just Darlington.

I said, same, did you just finish work?

I came back from Manchester for a conference, she replied.

Same day return?

Ya, same day. Feel like spent all day on the train. In this weather. You are in York for work?

No, just for a networking dinner. I went on explained a bit about how things just couldn’t work out the way I wanted. As I do, at any given opportunity.

York is lovely. I love York. You will have to arrange another time.

I learnt that she lived in Beijing when her children were still in school between 2014-15 thanks to her husband’s job, as a chemical engineer in renewable energy. We talked about the changes in Chinese politics in recent years and how things, somehow, worked out the way that suit ourselves in unlikely ways.

Our train arrived just before half past. Do you mind if we sit together? I asked.

We talked about work, kids, American politics, global warming. She is a quiet person but she talks passionately and politely. We seem to share a similar kind of understanding and humour.

I learnt her name. We didn’t exchange contact.

Someone nice on the road. Probably won’t meet again.

After writing for a few days, I learnt this is an essential act. I couldn’t bring myself to title this ‘why I write’, I can’t bring ‘I’ as a first person, to associate with the act ‘write’, in this language. And Chinese is flexible with subject, we don’t need a subject in many sentences, and we don’t have tenses. That way of speaking is closer to who I think I am, being present without being conscious of oneself.

The likes of ChatGPT and Copilot help me hide behind faceless anonymity of perfect grammar. When I write in Chinese, it feels much easier to get the words right and the tone correct. I tried to ask Copilot to translate something from English to Cantonese. The result was horrendous. I feel that’s how I sound when people read me writing in English, no matter how hard I try, because this is not natural to me.

Maybe this is the story I tell myself.

Anyway, however embarrassing it is, writing in these short proses helps me form ideas, test my expressions and build my habit of proofreading. For instance, I delete many ‘but’ and ‘maybe’ in my writing when I read my words again. I guess that is the way I think, and I should avoid saying ‘but’ and ‘maybe’ to everything. It’s good that I can see it to be aware of it. I shouldn’t wait for my essay week every two months to try to force 2500 words out and keep asking Copilot to refine and rewrite my semi-coherent gibberish and half-formed ideas.

And it helps me release the urge to say things out loud. When I can see them on the screen, I can go back to correct them and to compare them with other thoughts in my head.

Maybe I can see some clarity. Maybe it helps me see myself from in a different angle. Maybe I can learn to be more generous to myself, allowing the word ‘I’ to be visible.