Daphne Bennett

I have done a thing.

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  • Bye Bye, 2025 / 又到年尾

    Bye Bye, 2025 / 又到年尾

    There are years that my Google Map review shown my furthest adventure was a supermarket 5 miles east to my house or a park 10 miles west, as a passenger.

    But not this year.

    I went to London 3 times, visited Edinburgh, Durham, drove to Barnsley and flew Hong Kong. I haven’t flown for 8 years. I have finally passed my driving test in March. I drove to IKEA for furniture and take the kids out to the shops and the river and get ice-cream in farm shops. I don’t have to rely on C to pick up and drop off for early and night shifts. I have finally gained one of the most basic and essential life skill this year.

    Still working 3 days a week as Caseworker and picking up weekend shifts in Children’s Homes in the weekend, I submitted a job application (1 day/ week, wfh) on 20th Dec 2024 not expecting too much of it. It is a role asking for 3 years of data analysis lead experience. I’ve got none. Zero. I received an email on 6Jan 2025 informing me that I was shortlisted for a job interview. I panicked and did a few Linkedin Learning courses and I attended the interview even I did not think I stand a chance. I thought it was a waste of time. Did not think much about it. I missed three phone-calls on the Friday from the interviewer. I thought, if it’s negative they probably would just leave a voice message. And guess what, I got it. This was a brilliant start of the year.

    I had my first (or second, depends how you define it, ok, second) driving test on 24th January. And failed because I messed up at a roundabout – in the blinding winter sun I couldn’t see which lane I was supposed to be in and I didn’t stop soon enough whilst panicking. A fail is a fail. I had to rebook my test and there was no slot available until August (!) and not even in my local test centre. I downloaded two apps to look for earlier slots. I have started using our car in Dec24 and picked up a Christmas tree in Morrisons and drove it home with C by my side. Since failing my test C had practised with me in our car whenever possible. And finally I got a slot on 14March lunch time – and this time it was the same examiner, and, I passed.

    My new life has begun. I remember how stressful it was first time driving my two kids on a dual carriage way for 15mins to a big park. Now 15mins on the motorway is nothing.

    I have hired a company to put an insulated roof on the existing conservatory, that was a game changer. And I got a desk and two docking monitors from my new council job started in April. I am so thrilled to have my own office space (which is also simultaneously my daughter’s art and craft space). I attended the Members’ Staff Annual Conference in Portcullis House in March, visited the Westminster Hall again for a welcoming event selected in a mentorship programme in June and climbed the Big Ben (Elizabeth Tower) with my HoC staff pass in August. I visited Edinburgh for the First Minister Question in Scottish Parliament, met many amazing people and had a few days on my own, wandering in Notting Hill at 4am, watching a movie in Edinburgh at 10pm, walking from Causeway Bay to Mid-Levels in Hong Kong, living my life like how it used to be, before being a mother.

    I have tried a lot of things this year. It is definitely not all roses and victory. But I have been further than any other years before, metaphorically and literally.

    I regret I have not read very deeply or written consistently this year. I make excuse when I am tired and when I am busy. And I am always tired and busy. First half of the year was a blur. I treated myself with a few statistic and popular science books for Christmas, as I was listening to Tim Harford’s More Or Less introducing new book of David Speigelhater The Art of Uncertainty. I have met Julian Barnes at Foyles in March, in his book launch Changing My Mind, published by Notting Hill edition. I have read Gavin Stevenson’s Trading Game, which was a surprisingly funny page-turner, Nexus by Yuval Noah Harari and Careless People by Sarah Wynn-Williams. I have read something about Human Resources and change management and Esping-Anderson’s Three Worlds of Welfare Capitalism.

    Coming back from Hong Kong, I sank into a dip. Despite all the changes, everything I knew was mostly still there, but I am not a character in any of their lives anymore, not even my own parents. As for old friends, it’s hard to try to keep in touch, as there is nothing in common between us anymore. I have moved a dozen times since I came to the UK alone 16 years ago, and have lived in more places than many here had travelled. It was hard to give up FB scrolling because of nostalgia, but I know well enough both the people and FB I used to know ceased to exist. I feel so trapped in my head, when looking after two children and a dog is my priority and English is my second language, that’s why I am on social media all the time, like a magic carpet.

    When it felt all is pointless- writing is pointless, reading is pointless, photography is pointless and drawing is pointless, when AI (slop) is king and I am acutely aware that I don’t have the right personality or charisma or freedom to get anything done – maybe I don’t want to change the world, I just want to have childcare sorted out and a new shiny kitchen and a usable deck in the garden… When I was really struggling to see the point of it all, I met Jeanette Winterson in November at York Place, at her book launch event One Aladdin Two Lamps. I only knew some of the names of her books (which sound very rebellious) but I haven’t had the pleasure to read them yet. I booked a ticket purely because I was in Edinburgh and I was looking for something to do. It was an important encounter to me because her recent book discusses the most urgent question in my mind, ‘what is the point of it all?’ if I don’t have the right story, right grammar, right background, right connection, right accent, right kind of support and financial freedom… what is the point of me trying so hard to make a mark and to show my daughter it matters?

    I see everyone doing anything interesting lives in places that have more to offer. I am such a sad miserable bore. But I see my 6-year-old daughter started painting and making comic books. Even if I have given up art and reading myself, I still have to nurture a world that creating makes sense. Winterson says, every good story asks ‘what if?’ in impossible situation. Maybe very well we are living in shitty times, but, what if I can change it for my children? And how do I know I can’t unless I try?

    I watched a lot more TV and movies since I went to Hong Kong in late September as I decided it was impossible to continue doing my master degree while working fulltime. Understanding I am unable to meet the workload of a Master Degree while jiggling my heavy workload, I called uni to defer and start again hopefully later next year. I don’t think it is pointless. I do enjoy it, but it will have to wait. There is some changes on the horizon that will affect my work pattern anyway. Giving up (for now) give me the freedom to live in the world again. This year I have watched One Day, Dept Q, Adolescence, Slow Horses S4, Pluribus, Stranger Things, The Zone of Interest, Anatomy of The Fall, Le 47, Steve, Jay Kelly, The Holdover… I want to write about things that I watched like I did when studying in secondary school.

    I have been to the cinema a few times, but more than half of them are children’s movies like Gabby Dollhouse and Minecraft. I have watched Die, My Love, (which was a disappointment) in the Edinburgh Everyman Cinema (loved it). I have also watched Fifth Step (National Theatre Live) in the cinema with C and the children play The Paper Dolls and a Julia Donaldson one in London with my daughter. I wanted to watch a play in a small theatre in London but I just not had the chance. I would like to watch more live performance.

    Later in November, I have completed James Davis’ book Sedated :How Modern Capitalism Created our Mental Health Crisis, on how big pharma and psychology influence our politics and public discourse in worklessness and unemployment. But understanding the world is one thing, living in it is another.

    I have no choice but to jiggle them all – work, childcare, loneliness, uncertainties and difficulties comes with human relationships… I find it very difficult to understand what I should do. This year I have tried counselling, mentoring, career coaching, everyone told me I should be myself, but it doesn’t make sense, because being myself is where it goes wrong. Then I watched Stranger Things 5 (not great, btw) – and there it clicks, I look everywhere, but the answers are always within me, I can’t just quit my job, move or neglect my responsibilities to be ‘me’ – and honestly, ‘me’ is ignorant, annoying and unbearable. Then I stopped looking. I followed Joan Dillion’s advice, and I read my old messy notebook, those notebooks are me. And perhaps I should try harder to write more.

    I want to write about what I have watched and read, to remember and to make sense of it all.

    I have picked things up. I have mess things up. I have put things away. Above all, I have no choice but to keep trying, to be a better person in 2026.

    有些年我的google timeline 會話我聽我我邊度都無去過，一年到尾最遠只是去過西面十幾分鐘車程一個小鎮的大型超市和東面廿多分鐘車程的一個公園，而且我不過是一個乘客。

    但不是今年。

    今年我三月十四號終於考到車，去過倫敦西敏寺三次，用下議院員工票爬上大笨鐘頂，一丁友揸車去Barnsley，終於第一次用本英國護照飛返香港。由揸車上公路去宜家傢俬到帶啲細路周末去farm shop 買雪糕到周末早去晚返打兒童院散工，我終於有獨立謀生嘅必須技能。

    上年十月我開始喺MP office 返工，掛名係下議院員工，一個星期返三日，再繼續執啲兒童院周末散工。我喺上年十二月二十號完全無勝數嘅打算遞交咗一份Information Officer (要求三年data analysis lead 經驗)求職信，一月六號我被shortlisted，狂睇 Linkedin Learning，一月廿號見工，我見完都諗住大家徙大家時間啦。點知嗰個星期五我有三個missed call，我知呢度如果咁誠心打電話打到你聽嘅話多數係請咗你但我又唔敢相信，但星期一我就知，真係請咗。真係不可置信嘅運氣。

    一月二十四號我去咗考車，冬日嘅陽光太刺眼喺個唔屬路嘅徊旋處剎唔切 brake，肥咗，即刻再book 要等到八月尾仲要唔係自己住個town。我download 咗兩個apps去搵早啲嘅slot，最後三月十四號終於卜到考試時間，同一個考官，驚到心都離埋，學咗成十年車終於pass咗。

    三月頭我花咗 8k 請人加裝咗個conservatory 屋頂，四月data 工開工時有兩個新docking screen俾我，再津貼我買張書檯，我終於有自己 office啦 。當然我嘅工作地方就係我個女嘅創意天地，佢好快已經將我嘅地方據為己有，但終於有自己嘅空間真係另一個里程碑。

    有多咗少少自己時間啦，夏天四點起咗身訓唔返天光晒漫步 Notting Hill，夜晚喺愛丁堡聽完新書發報會跟住去 Everyman Cinema 豪華戲院睇戲，喺香港hea誠品無印九點幾十點食車仔麵。

    今年我見多咗好多人，尤其難得被一個智庫揀中嘅訓練計劃，去多咗好多地方，唔同嘅就業輔導，心理輔導服務，員工免費benefit 就試下啦，都係解答唔到我嘅問題。或者好土咁話，所有問題嘅答案都係已經喺我入面，只有我先答到自己。

    八月尾同啲細路同C 去咗幾日倫敦，九月去咗Barnsley 同 London 兩個重要得嚟我又準備不足嘅event。有細路喺屋企我好難集中精神睇到點突破自己，好多嘢做，好多雜念雜聲雜物，我都仲係長時間好似遇溺咁好似透唔到氣。我都唔知點解 C 一星期三日兩晚唔喺屋我仲可以打三份parttime。九月尾十月因為嫲嫲過身所以返咗香港一個星期，出值喪禮，見下啲屋企人，父母兩個都各有伴侶。返香港最掛住嘅反而係一個人食嘅嘢 – 車仔麵，魚蛋河嗰類食物比任何大魚大肉也滋味。

    我好開心今年我有能力買機票book 酒店自己照顧自己。由考到車牌儲到少少自己錢，終於大個啦。另一方面雖然啲細路仲細，佢哋放假我要返工都仲係好頭痛，但起碼個仔可以放學自己返屋企一兩個鐘，我喺冬天又凍又濕唔帶個女出去放狗都還可以。最難照顧最困身嗰幾年終於過去咗。

    我其實因為寂寞浪費咗好多時間 9 碌 fb ig，集中精力睇書嘅時間好少，睇完嘅嘢過目即忘好快又唔記得。眼闊肚窄，Manager問我返多日好唔好，睇錢份上我又話好，兒童院唔夠人，返多兩更多三百鎊，生活開支咁貴，仲要返下香港，聖誕又洗凸，唔通有錢唔賺咩。開始咗Master 雖然好有興趣但返緊三份工一星期返四至七日，真係力不從心，下年C好大機會要隔個大西洋工作，到時我就要放棄相當嘅工時，我諗住到時再開始讀返書。

    十月後放棄咗今年唔繼續讀書我多咗時間睇書睇戲。返香港時理解到無論如何我嘅湯底都係香港人，但我認識嘅人和事都面目全非，就算想keep住來往都無能為力，自作多情。我嚟咗呢度十幾年，搬咗十次有多，東南西北都住過晒，都仲未搵到生存嘅方法，都係無乜朋友，所以fb ig 好上癮，以空虛填補寂寞，但基本上都無乜人會再update fb ig，睇來睇去都係叫我follow 啲新人或者近排大熱嘅話題就係咁出現，我真係無碌 fb 時又完全唔覺知少咗啲乜，而家啲細路用tiktok我一路都好怕 reel 所以 youtube shorts/ tiktok 就算harmless fun我都follow唔到。一路以嚟個人無論係咩環境都埋唔到堆我都無計。

    講書嘅話，年頭我聖誕後買咗 David Speigelhater The Art of Uncertainty 同 Tim Chivers 嘅 Everything is Predictable，多得啲stat 書同少少Linkedin Learning 我呃到下人我識計數就多咗份之前唔會諗住有我份嘅工，但係到真係的起心乾想轉工時又下下碰壁，世事嘅嘢真係睇唔透。仲有睇咗 Gary Stevenson嘅 The Trading Game，好好笑得嚟又好有教育意義。仲有睇咗 Yurai Noah Harari 嘅Nexus 同 Sarah Wynns Williams 嘅　Careless People 。跟住開始讀masters 一段時間都係睇 reading list – 主要係我真係無太大興趣嘅HR theory，同我好有興趣但唔夠時間讀嘅 welfare capitalism theories 同criticism，今年好忙，無留意新出版嘅書，係上愛丁堡時去咗 Janette Winterston 嘅book launch，我先真係開始睇返我本身有興趣嘅書。

    Janette Winterson 本新書叫⟪一個亞拉丁和兩盞燈⟫。本身我無睇過佢寫嘅書，我只係知佢最出名嗰兩本叫⟪Why be happy if you could be normal⟫同埋⟪Oranges are not the only fruit⟫，兩本書嘅命名都好型好反叛，咁咁啱係因為咁啱我要去愛丁堡嗰晚佢有book launch所以我買飛，難得喺愛丁堡文化之都可以去live event，就去下啦咁嘅心態。

    點知呢個係我今年最鼓舞嘅其中一個偶遇，真係文化之都睇live朝聖嘅威力。今年一路我都好困擾，一方面度度都教我要對自己誠實，唔好屈就自，但另一方面我就係個人太誠實唔識規矩唔識圓滑先處處碰釘。加上個女好鐘意畫嘢，而家個個都用AI 個個都係宮歧俊，我唔知點同個女講，你繼續畫係有意思，我自己繼續寫繼續畫我都唔知有咩意思。佢本書係講故事嘅力量，每個故事都係有人問，what if? 今年我已經改變咗好多嘢，我唔知下年有乜嘢等緊我，但唯有繼續向前行。

    十一月我睇晒 James Davis Sedated :How Modern Capitalism Created our Mental Health Crisis 講而家點解咁多人有精神病咁多人有抑鬱症，同自由經濟主義嘅社會政策加上大財團同政府嘅千絲萬縷。知道係一回事，處身其中又係另一回事。調返轉頭嚟講，點樣可以平衡返幾工人事讀書進收家務湊仔生存係一回必要面對嘅事，為咗乜咁搏又係我無辦法唔面對嘅問題。

    今年其中一個收獲係我返香港後睇多咗戲包括 One Day, Adolescence, Dept Q, Slow Horses S4, Pluribus, Stranger Things, Anatomy of The Fall, Le 47, The Zone of Interest, Die, My Love (strongly not recommend), Steve, Jay Kelly, The Holdover ，同年尾有幸睇咗三套話劇。

    我想寫多啲，因為消化咗先寫得出，呢個無聊blog/ substack 係我對抗時間，對狂腦殘嘅綿力。

    今年我嘗試唔少新嘅嘢，放下咗一啲事，得到好多，失去不少，然後新嘅一年，別無選擇，我又再試過，做一個比今年好嘅人。

  • 太多經歷，太少意義。

    太多經歷，太少意義。

    “We had the experience but missed the meaning. And approach to the meaning restores the experience in a different form.”

    ― T.S. Eliot

    (Scroll to bottom for English version)

    T.S Elliot 話，太多經歷，太少意義。

    我想寫中文，唔理有無人睇，唔理邊個睇 ，唔理AI 寫得好過我。我想寫中文。

    有好多嘢我都有自知之明 ——自知唔明。

    個個都寫嘢，寫咗又無人睇。

    唔使急，唔係趕住做KOL 急住要分析時事局勢，指點江山，寫完又無人睇，都係寫啲茶餘飯後嘅傷春悲秋，諗下先，睇定啲先。

    我日日嘗試做得好啲，我都唔知好啲—係搵多兩個錢，定陪啲細路多啲，定間屋吸塵拖地換床單，周末meal plan 計劃好啲，定睇多啲書，定學多幾隻字，定寫嘢，定畫嘢，定見多啲人，定諗下平時返工有咩進步嘅空間，定學多啲電腦酬備轉工，定填下form搵份有大啲機會可持續發展嘅工？

    我完全唔知點先叫做好啲。我以為工作安穩，但常有控制不了嘅人事問題令我個個月都有衝動劈炮唔撈。跟住我諗，係我自己見識少，係我少少嘢都瓜瓜叫，挨多兩星期又出糧， it can’t be that bad。

    究竟點先可以做得啱？我覺得我仲係好似五歲時，幾努力都係俾人打。

    人大咗講嘢無咁大聲，自我HR 審查，怕得罪人。但我成世人都唔知點解，不明所意，成日得罪人。我以為我終於開竅嘅時候，下星期又打回原形。人大咗，接受自己渺小如塵，平庸無稽，但我幾唔想俾人見到，要生存，我都要融入社會㗎。我唔想做能人所不能，但我唔放棄做自己，唔諗辦法超越現時嘅我，我就死得。

    但同時我仲係default parent，星期一至日都係我最早起身，整早餐放狗幫啲細路換衫預時間出門口準時返學返工，返工前設定洗衣乾衣 D 細路有校服著，放工後煮飯洗碗放狗晾衫摺衫，返工學習HR 咀臉待人以誠得嚟又小心講嘢，放工要對啲細路有紀律得嚟又唔好搵佢哋出氣，我仲要諗點可以逃出生天。

    而家一星期有一半時間啲細路都係得我照顧，另一半時間我要做人老婆諒解佢要跨區工作辛苦，我奔波啲，你訓多啲，啲細嘅早起身要人幫手我就早起身。我好自律，日日都好自律，但好多嘢我幾自律都好，都唔係滴水不漏，實有嘢係我問題。

    寫完都唔會有人睇，但都仍有衝動去寫，可能係因為on9。人自故以來打獵求生都要喺個洞度刻字畫圖，我哋之所以係萬物之靈，就係因為我哋食都可以食唔飽都要諗人生嘅意義，你諗下，嗰時唔係隨手都搵到筆，幾艱難仲要有創作力同幻想先創造到功具記事畫圖。呢個係人天生嘅衝動，我一路都有嘅單純衝動。一路咁多年，好多人都叫我寫嘢畫畫，人越大就越難再開始積極哋做無聊嘢。

    都近年尾，上兩個周末我決定隨緣唔特別積極搵兒童院更，同個女去下同學仔生日 party。但啲嘢咁貴，我唔打散工我都唔夠膽洗錢。所謂洗錢都係同啲細路搭半個鐘火車去轉 York，齋行唔買嘢，窮風流，我都唔敢。

    早既日出糧後我計下條數先大徹大悟，我天真地以為打咁多工會多兩個錢，但今個月出糧後先發覺我真係孭起半頭家，Carl個個星期去兩晚 Manchester 加架車本身嘅開支都成皮嘢，呢皮嘢再加搬嚟呢度後安揭貴咗400鎊，所以而加要比三年嘅前基本開支多咗一個月千五鎊，唔怪得O 多幾多T 都唔覺多咗錢儲啦。佢過完家用俾我已經無乜剩，我都係努力向上執得兩更就得兩更啦。真係好氣屢。

    一方面我同自己講，唔急著轉工唔搵工住。另一方面我工作上亦越來越難頂，係咪因為英文唔係母語？係咪因為我困住喺屋企十年唔識代人接物？係咪文化差異？係咪代溝？我等緊 Carl 嗰邊有咩轉數我可以希望在後天，得咗又有新嘢煩。我唔停提點自己，工可以轉，我隨時可以俾人跣俾人炒，呢四幅牆內嘅先屬於我嘅，唔單止係屋企人，仲有我自己。但咁多年啦，我自己係邊個？我都唔認得。

    我好耐無話好想寫嘢。Bertie出世時好多嘢都好難識應，果時有寫。然後fb 嘅演算法越來越睇得少識嘅人嘅嘢，呢兩年人工智能能人所不能所向無敵，好多搵到食嘅插畫家都俾AI 盜用晒佢哋嘅作品，我本身無能力無人脈搵到食嘅就更加唔使發夢啦。大科技大數據形成大家所見嘅 enshittification，言論極端，斷章取義，嘩眾取寵，碌來碌去睇來睇去都屎溝屎，搶眼球娛樂性高無營養。

    如何在散亂的經歷找到意義？所謂意義就似天上嘅星，你話佢似人馬又好，雙魚又好，佢有佢存在，佢嘅存在唔係為咗俾意義你，係你要意義去生存，本能反應地自作多情。接受無意義就如接受死亡，我哋無辦法唔扮我哋唔接受我哋會死。

    我不知從何說起。我嘗試，故我在。

    _______________________________________

    I wouldn’t say I know enough to quote T.S. Elliot. But I often feel, I have seen it all, but I can’t make sense of anything.

    I am trying to get back to writing again. I don’t care if no one is reading, I don’t care if AI does it much better than me. I want to write, particularly in Cantonese. I still write like HR/ Big Brother is watching though.

    There is too much I don’t understand. I am trying to join the dots together by writing.

    I am not trying to run a popular blog. I can’t teach, I am not trying to inspire anyone. My mundane existential crisis and overwhelming sentimentality.

    I am trying, still, stubbornly. I have always been trying everyday to be better, but I am confused what does it mean by better. I feel like I am still the 5-year-old kid, no matter how hard I try to cover my ass, I still can’t escape from the beating, the inevitable f-up which I can’t fathom.

    Does being better mean spending more time with my children? Does that mean changing bedsheets for everyone weekly and hoovering regularly? Does that mean better weekly shopping and meal planning? Is it about writing? Back to painting? Meeting new people? Should I take up training in my free time to keep up with the trend? Completing the Master degree? Looking for new jobs and filling in some application form? Self-actualising? Whatever that means?

    Meanwhile, I am still the default parent. I get up earlier than everyone Monday to Sunday: empty the dishwasher, walk the dog, make breakfast, get them changed, make sure they get to school on time and I get to work on time, and set off the washing machine and tumble dryer running automatically so the kids have clean uniform when needed; half of the week I am totally on my own with the kids, I finish work, I arrange childcare and make sure they are safe, I make dinner, wash up and read with them, listen to their stories and put them to bed. And stare at the ceiling to plot my way out. I may not look like that, but I am so insanely disciplined and contained.

    How else am I supposed to get through this?

    I still don’t feel unsettled in one of my jobs (that’s why I still need JOBS). I thought it was just a feeling, a phrase and it will pass. I thought it was just in my head. I tell myself I am overreacting because I am naive and inexperienced. But every month or two the same issues drive me to the walls again. And then there comes payday. I tell myself, it can’t be that bad. I made use of counselling and coaching services, I am lucky enough to be selected in two programmes in 2024-2025. I got some opportunities to talk to people out of my little circle. Everyone would tell me I am smart (enough) and I am right. But it just doesn’t add up. I can’t be right, if she is right. I don’t know if I could trust or ask my colleagues what they think.

    How can everyone always seems to be so certain about themselves?

    A few years on, I am a grown up now. I still say things I regret, all the bloody time, unwittingly, accidentally, without the satisfaction of being a smart-ass. I still don’t know what is the right thing to say. I thought I’ve finally got it for one week, and next week I feel absolutely drained and defeated. Is it cultural barrier? Is it because English is my second language? Is it because I had 10 years stuck in the house with my kids and I just can’t read social cues when I am out? While I accept my insignificance, I still have to fit into some bigger picture to survive.

    I try to write, again. Like a caveman. After a long day hunting gathering surviving looking after the young, I still can’t resist the urge to invent a tool, make a mark on the wall. To survive is a practicality, to understand why is another.

    For many years, my friends keep encouraging me to write, draw and paint. It gets harder as I get older. It’s nearly the end of the year. I decided not to take up too many extra children homes’ shifts in the weekend. I try to be more present for my children. I am still counting pennies if I don’t pick up extra shifts. It’s only very recently I understand how much we need to get by, with my husband working away, petrol, accommodation, car expenditure, along with all the basics. And just to get through another month comfortably, to make sure kids have the right sized clothes and boots for winter, and buy a book or a jumper, I need those extra shifts. Never enough, never enough.

    On one hand I tell myself, stay put, it can’t be that bad; on the other, it isn’t getting any easier. We are waiting, we are waiting. And I remind myself everyday, it’s only in this house my life is real. Not just about the kids, but what I do, and what I want to do. And this. I don’t know what I am supposed to do.

    Since Bertie was born 12 years ago, the world has changed. I have drifted further and further away from the world I knew, and it’s harder and harder to reach people I used to know. AI makes things dramatically worse. Even the livelihood of professional writers and illustrators are at risk. I haven’t even started, so I can’t even dream of being one. And don’t let me start about monetarization and enshittification. Little me against the whole Upside Down. Maybe this is for the next post.

    How can we find meaning in this Pluribus world? F___ if I know.

    Meanings are like constellation in the night sky. You make up stories and you think the dots you joined together means something. And without that make-believe play you are nothing.

    To survive is one practicality. To make sense of why is another. I have no choice but to keep going.

    I don’t know how to keep going. But I try, therefore I am.

  • To live, is to ____ up.

    To live, is to ____ up.

    and I have given up pretending otherwise.

    a year since i printed my new business cards on moo, i had done no blogging, sketched a few lines and hardly touched any python.

    what a let-down.

    i still spend far too much time on the phone and drink too much. no one is going to read this blog and i am not going to try to promote it anyway, so i stop pretending there is a purpose in anything, particularly in writing. I cannot write if I am to pretend I have something important to say. let’s give in and lean into the despair.

    A year on. Where am I now.

    I drive. I am a driver now..

    I got my first data role in the Council Adult Social Service team, submitting statutory data using Microsoft SQL Server and loading SQL code onto PowerBI. At the moment the only thing I code is sQL, and it’s more decoding then coding because I didn’t know a public service SQL server relies on this many tables, I am still in a new kitchen opening random cupboards to see where they put salt and dishwasher tablets. And I will forget it all next week.It is a survival sport but they are very generous to me. I truely believe I am incompetent and trust me this is not imposter symdrome, I know what distinction looks like and I won’t even get a pass. But still they asked me if I would like some extra hours and I said ya and I got 3 more hours a week on my contract just to figure my life out. Not a bad deal.

    I have started my Masters in Public Administration – Social and Public Policy journey with Uni of York and am to submit my first 2500 words summerative assessment in a week’s time. My first module has nothing to do with policy, it’s ‘Leading and Managing Change’, mainly about business and HR, which is not my vibe but i do enjoy studying, I like dry boring theories and pretending this is what life is all about.

    To pay for my masters I am still in Events Team and Children’s home picking odd shifts here and there. I am miss Rabbit in Peppa Pig, you see me moving barriers preparing for the marathon on Saturaday, you see me playing with a child I hardly know in the park on Sunday, you see me next to the Police Chief and the MP on Monday, then you see me with the Performance team in the Town Hall on Tuesday. I am a nobody but my career goal is to go further and further behind the scene. I want to get paid for being invisible.

    I still do lots of other things. Things I am proud of occassionally. Things I don’t have much feeling about. Things I am not proud of. Things I find meaningless. Things I find meanings in. Things I grew out of. Things I lean into. And I will explore them on this blog.

    I got nothing to sell, this is not a linkedin page. I am not really looking for a job, I am not looking for love. I am not looking for a house.

    After so many years of being a rolling stone, moving cross-country every couple of years, renting, buying, selling, carrying my children everywhere, waiting for storms to pass… I am looking around, taking stock, and saying to myself, it’s all okay, you don’t have to run anymore. You don’t have to carry it all.

    Arghhhh. It’s hard. The unbearable lightless of being.

  • Picking a lane, or three

    Picking a lane, or three

    I have printed a pile of business cards from moo.com. I don’t know what to call myself. I am not defined by my roles I currently tenure. I have been working in a charity job on Friday, at children theatre on Saturday and at a children home on Sunday, and I also volunteer for the local council’s heritage research and Citizens Advice. And mother, always a mother. I am not able to pin myself down to one role. I think my most consistent role is childcare and housework.

    At the end, I put Artist, Blogger and Coder on it at the end. These 3 things are what I am trying to do weekly if not daily outside work and childcare responsibilities (like 14 hours+ a day?). And I remind myself not to be so greedy that I pick up every shift of offer, so that I can reserve some time to do something for myself. But I am not quite an artist or blogger, and definitely not know enough to be a coder. I try. I work towards these directions a little bit every day.

    Next week my goal is to start drawing.

    I have learnt something interesting this week, the word origin of the word ‘analysis’. This word is everywhere to a point that is almost cliché. I learnt that the word “analysis” comes from the Greek word “analuein”. This word is made of two parts: “ana” means “up” or “back” and “luein” means “to loosen” or “to untie”. So essentially “analuein” means “to loosen or untie something”, in order to examine it closely.

    I have studied visual and text analysis for many years in my art history studies. Now I am learning SQL and Python so to understand data. And back to here, to write, is to loosen some knots? By definition, systematic examination and interpretation with the goal of uncovering insights or patterns of my own irrational decision makings and behaviours? The purpose for the Substack is a process tracker, a reflection, amidst the unstoppable tides of life.

    Life moving a bit faster than I thought it would be, perhaps it’s a positive thing. I am nervous as hell nevertheless. I would not say I am very healthy this week but perhaps once the new routine kicks in I am able to be more disciplined, less weary. That’s what I keep telling myself, but I have been consistent in making some changes everyday.

    Until next week.

  • Thoughts before turing 37

    Thoughts before turing 37

    In 3 days it will be my birthday. I will be 3

    36 has been a strange year. I have never done so much in a year, I think.

    I have started a Substack last year, before I started working, and a website/blog a couple of years ago, then I ran away and have hardly done anything about either of them. I was busy but that’s not the reason. I think it’s because writing about myself is hard, it’s harder than my uni assignments, it’s harder than writing work emails, CVs and cover letters for a job, it’s harder than learning to code.

    Only a couple of weeks ago I have applied for a role as a caseworker for the new local MP. I did not think I would get the position, but boy, I got it. At the moment I am waiting for the Security Clearance to come through. I am sure it won’t be a problem but waiting is never easy. In psychology terms, I am dipping into the B-process.

    Let’s get back to where it all started.

    Only a year ago I started working as a round-the-clock support worker for a care facility for adults with profound disability and complex needs with the council. It is the first contracted job I got in this country, for the last 14 years, and I was so grateful that I got A JOB. I had also signed up to complete my final year reading Art History in Open University. The care role was highly personal but it did not bother me. It was a new world to me and I had learnt a lot. One of most important things I have learnt is, I don’t have to like something to do it well or stay inquisitive and motivated. But I started growing listless in the care role and looked for other opportunities. I started volunteering in the local Citizens Advice. I saw an opening in both Citizens Advice and a local charity in October, I applied both positions. First I had an interview with Citizens Advice as a debt caseworker trainee, neither my experience or interview performance shown that I was for the job. Never mind. I did not heard back from the charity position I applied for until December. They invited me for a job interview and a week later, they called me back to tell me although they have chosen someone else that fit the description of the position better, they are willing to open a new position to accommodate me. I was over the moon, but in the very same week, my husband lost his job due to restructuring of the company. So I had no choice but to stay in the care role (18h contracted, easily goes up to 35h a week on average, plus wake-and-watch or sleep-in), start working in my new office role (16h, and study art history at the same time.

    It took me 4 months to quit the care position, because I just could not finish uni working 50 hours a week, plus night shifts, plus childcare responsibilities at home, anymore. In March, I applied for a causal position in children service in the council and TechUP Women course in Durham University. I successfully pocketed both. I handed in my final dissertation- comparing postmodernist and modernist architecture – at 11:57am 23/05/24. I didn’t think much of it. And it was the end of my journey with Open University.

    On 22nd June, I met my cohort, tutors and course organisers of TechUP women in Durham University. I believe I am the only one from Darlington. Some of them are from Manchester, some Leeds, some Newcastle. It was stressful for me to meet so many new faces and I felt everyone is doing better than me in life. I met Prof Sue Black OBE, she is a living legend who came from such difficult upbringing, her journey is so touching and inspiring. I met Michelle, who lives in Newcastle and later on we stay friends, sharing every WTF and OMG with each other. I have also met Grace Ademola-Adenle, who is my very patient but very cool tutor, I really enjoyed every week seeing them. I have started learning Python & SQL, and taking short courses in IBM, Cisco and Code First Girl.

    Back to the office position in the local charity. It was the first time I work in an office, from receptionist to admin to promotional tasks. I was not the most organised person in the world but working with colleagues with varying abilities and preference, I have learnt a lot from other people’s ways of working. I was reasonably settled in my position in the local charity, but that didn’t stop me from applying for an office role in the local children theatre and couldn’t get it. I was offered a causal customer service role, and I accepted it, for free theatre tickets. My husband started working in June, but he works in Manchester 3 days a week. It’s never been easy, but I soldier on. Throughout the summer I also work as event setup and crowd control with the Council’s Events Team for events like 10K run, cycling events, Pride and setting up sand play area in the town centre. So I have one 3-day a week office role, and 3 causal positions.

    Late July, 2 months after I handed in my dissertation, I learnt that I did better than I thought, and 3 markers agreed that I deserve a 78 score in my final assignment. I received a 2.1, which means I am able to pursue further study, or taking part in the Civil Service Fast Stream Schemes etc. I was still full of doubt, what use is an Arts and Humanities Degree? I learnt that the tools are only as useful as you are willing to use them. And how to use these tools is also a learning process to me.

    One of the weekly tasks when I was studying in TechUP is reflective log. Many computer courses also suggest keeping a blog to record your personal and professional development. Consistency is key. During TechUP, we are prompted to take a moment to think about what I have learnt this week and how it relates to my interest and my aspiration. I grew up in a chaotic family where my mum is a bipolar narcissist. Now as an adult, I thrive in chaos and changes, but I am very uncomfortable when talking about myself or even showing affections/ emotions. But you can’t join the dots to figure out what’s going on in your life without mindfully looking back, you can’t pick a path without asking yourself ‘Do I even like it?’, and you can’t know your place in the world without interacting with others, not just passively browsing. I am still worried about by opening my mouth, by leaving a mark on the canvas, I display my ignorance, vulnerability and weakness that will come back to haunt me. I am still finding an appropriate way to express myself.

    To understand what tools I have and what to do with them, I started keeping a journal since August and it is still going strong. I get up an hour earlier than my children to review things that I have learnt the day before and things I am grateful about, and write down important things that need doing, in what order. It has been working quite well.

    Now in October, I have finished my TechUP course. I will have to write in details about this in another post, as you see this post is getting ridiculously long. But it’s been a long year!

    At this moment and time, getting back to blogging/ Substacking, weekly, to record my learning is one of the tasks I am on. And yes I do have a lot to say, I am learning to figure out how to. Thanks for reading my rumbling. Happy 37.

  • Week 5 and 6 of Coloriombo

    Week 5 and 6 of Coloriombo

    Time flies! Este Macleod’s palette is inspired by Barbara Nissim. Not the style or colours that I normally would pick so it has been a bit of a challenge. Especially page two. I do like page one though, it’s a murmuration of Starlings that my sis-in-law and I witnessed after we went to watch the ballet Nutcracker.

    For Week 6 Coloricombo the colours chosen is Curry, Powder Blue and Olive Green. The artist introduced in Roger Duvoisin, who has soon become one of my favourite artist. I have found many of his drawings on Fishink’s blog, I have used his style of drawing trees and path on page 2 from his The House For Four Season.

    more pictures than words in this post as it is half-term. The kids are off and we are having fun all day! Depends how you interpret fun.

    I am considering running a Pencil Booth newsletter to make it more fun for myself. But holding my horses and waiting for half term over to get it started.

  • Week 4 of Colorcombo

    Week 4 of Colorcombo

    The 4th week of Colorcombo is inspired by Leon Spilliaert. On one hand I am glad I have done 4 weeks of journaling. It takes up a considerable amount of time. This week the colour is very cold and sad. It’s a fun thing to do but I am not sure if I really like to post publicly for the likes and comments. Social media always feels like a void that sucks in a lot of energy but little reward in return. But perhaps that’s life in general.

    Some silly thing that brightened up the days is the £20 bundle, really impressed by the value:a Rhodia goalbook (£18, but I don’t know what to write in it yet), 2 gel pens, Derwent Chromaflow pencils 12 (£20), 1 Derwent mechanic pencil(£10), 2 tombow pens, a canan d’ache gouache, 2 black pens, eraser, mt tapes, you name it. I also ordered some more stabile woody 3in1 pastel colours.

    Some silly thing that brightened up the days is the £20 bundle, which is a brilliant value. I also ordered some more stabile woody 3in1 pastel colours.

    I am rereading Rebecca Green‘s posts about how to schedule and work as an artist. I still feel very clueless and stuck. I am trying to get out more to meet some people. God give me strength.

  • End of January

    End of January

    I just can’t procrastinate any further. Now we have reached the end of the month and I still haven’t posted any updates. I am still finding my voice, the middle ground between being friendly and honest but refrain myself from oversharing. I don’t know I should write in English or Chinese, in written Chinese or Cantonese, should I restart a new page on fb (because for some reasons I have messed up with my inactive fb page), should I actively try to get more people to follow me or should I keep it all to myself, or, or should I just give up.

    Alors, this month, I have started doing the Weekly colour prompts after following the free Creative Circle course by Este Macleod. At the beginning of the month I was tempted, oh I was so tempted to do her 3 mini courses for £45, but I really don’t have the time or money, so that was that. With the inspiration of Shelleyaldrichsketches on instagram, I have actually started my own visual journal instead. And these are my attempts so far:

    Week one, bubblegum pink & magenta. In the first week of January we had two one-hour settling-in sessions. She was happy to leave me and I went for a walk in the park with Bertie. This is an unusual palette for me.

    In the second week the palette is three primary colour and green grey. So I am very much in my element. I mean to draw one more page. But I haven’t had the time to finish it yet.

    I am now more than half way through on my week three. Hopefully I will finish it in the next couple of days.

    I have never been so motivated to commit to one sketchbook / journal. So this is a good start I hope. I am going to update week 3 once I have finished. And maybe another post about my beloved knitted blanket.

    Ta ta for now, thanks for reading.

  • Happy new year, another year.

    Happy new year, another year.

    First day of the year. This is the first time for a while I am alone in the house without my kiddies so I am going to write a quick post before they come back.

    It has been a very busy year for us. We have decided to move back to Darlington, put the house in Scotland on the market in April and moved out in July, moved into the new house in August. My son starts in a new school in September. It is as exciting and difficult for me as much as it is for my son. We haven’t arranged childminder so I am really busy with childcare duties and setting up a home in the new house the last few months. Honestly I am not very good at that. We have installed a log-burner, purchased a new washer-dryer, and that was about that. I am waiting for the little lady to start nursery to get on with other jobs. I just have no idea how people does home improvement project with young children.

    This year I haven’t knitted much either. I have made a really great jumper for little miss in the autumn, then I have started the black sheep wool knit-along blanket. I have nearly finished half of it I guess? I think I still have another month or two’s work to do. It is very useful to have these little squares to work on when I am waiting for kids to sleep, waiting for little miss to finish on her potty, to play lego with them etc.

    I want to start some kind of calendar/ card/ book project in the new year. I love painting scenes my daily life. I know these paintings are very personal at the moment. But I hope later on I can stylise them into something more market-friendly. Well, I do what I can and what I like, and see what comes later.

    Hope it won’t be another month until I can have half an hour quiet time. Little Miss is going to start nursery in January. But I do have a lot of things I really NEED to get done when she is in nursery, dental appointment, GP appointment, haircut, shopping, housework, home improvement work, etc etc etc. Pick-up time before you know it.

    I actually have made some cards for friends and family. We had a very quiet Christmas because I was too overwhelmed, full of cold and my in-laws got covid. Hope next year I will be more prepared. It has been a very crazy and busy year I am glad we have done what we have done, we are where we are, and we can prepare ourselves for the new challenges in the new year now. I do miss my old neighbours and Scotland though.

  • So another half a year gone

    So another half a year gone

    More than half a year has gone. Ya we moved from Scotland to Darlo. That alone kept me very busy last few months. I haven’t got a childminder and Juno isn’t in nursery yet. So I haven’t had time to update website etc.

    Apart from housework and baby duties, I have also been busy making batman mask for Juno. Unlike Bertie, she is really into dressing up.

    I haven’t painted as much as before but at least in November I have finally picked up my brushes, I have learnt about this newsletter service for visual artist: http://www.pencilbooth.com from jagoillustration.com and am hoping maybe I can start doing some kind of newsletter next year.

    Today I have learnt about Este Macleod’s free online course and I was trying to do it (unwillingly with Juno).

    So that’s about it for now, about my painting and drawing. I probably will try to post again next week about the move, the house, knitting and other things.

    Glad to be back!