I just can’t procrastinate any further. Now we have reached the end of the month and I still haven’t posted any updates. I am still finding my voice, the middle ground between being friendly and honest but refrain myself from oversharing. I don’t know I should write in English or Chinese, in written Chinese or Cantonese, should I restart a new page on fb (because for some reasons I have messed up with my inactive fb page), should I actively try to get more people to follow me or should I keep it all to myself, or, or should I just give up.
Alors, this month, I have started doing the Weekly colour prompts after following the free Creative Circle course by Este Macleod. At the beginning of the month I was tempted, oh I was so tempted to do her 3 mini courses for £45, but I really don’t have the time or money, so that was that. With the inspiration of Shelleyaldrichsketches on instagram, I have actually started my own visual journal instead. And these are my attempts so far:
Week one, bubblegum pink & magenta. In the first week of January we had two one-hour settling-in sessions. She was happy to leave me and I went for a walk in the park with Bertie. This is an unusual palette for me.
In the second week the palette is three primary colour and green grey. So I am very much in my element. I mean to draw one more page. But I haven’t had the time to finish it yet.
I am now more than half way through on my week three. Hopefully I will finish it in the next couple of days.
I have never been so motivated to commit to one sketchbook / journal. So this is a good start I hope. I am going to update week 3 once I have finished. And maybe another post about my beloved knitted blanket.
First day of the year. This is the first time for a while I am alone in the house without my kiddies so I am going to write a quick post before they come back.
It has been a very busy year for us. We have decided to move back to Darlington, put the house in Scotland on the market in April and moved out in July, moved into the new house in August. My son starts in a new school in September. It is as exciting and difficult for me as much as it is for my son. We haven’t arranged childminder so I am really busy with childcare duties and setting up a home in the new house the last few months. Honestly I am not very good at that. We have installed a log-burner, purchased a new washer-dryer, and that was about that. I am waiting for the little lady to start nursery to get on with other jobs. I just have no idea how people does home improvement project with young children.
This year I haven’t knitted much either. I have made a really great jumper for little miss in the autumn, then I have started the black sheep wool knit-along blanket. I have nearly finished half of it I guess? I think I still have another month or two’s work to do. It is very useful to have these little squares to work on when I am waiting for kids to sleep, waiting for little miss to finish on her potty, to play lego with them etc.
I want to start some kind of calendar/ card/ book project in the new year. I love painting scenes my daily life. I know these paintings are very personal at the moment. But I hope later on I can stylise them into something more market-friendly. Well, I do what I can and what I like, and see what comes later.
Hope it won’t be another month until I can have half an hour quiet time. Little Miss is going to start nursery in January. But I do have a lot of things I really NEED to get done when she is in nursery, dental appointment, GP appointment, haircut, shopping, housework, home improvement work, etc etc etc. Pick-up time before you know it.
I actually have made some cards for friends and family. We had a very quiet Christmas because I was too overwhelmed, full of cold and my in-laws got covid. Hope next year I will be more prepared. It has been a very crazy and busy year I am glad we have done what we have done, we are where we are, and we can prepare ourselves for the new challenges in the new year now. I do miss my old neighbours and Scotland though.
More than half a year has gone. Ya we moved from Scotland to Darlo. That alone kept me very busy last few months. I haven’t got a childminder and Juno isn’t in nursery yet. So I haven’t had time to update website etc.
Apart from housework and baby duties, I have also been busy making batman mask for Juno. Unlike Bertie, she is really into dressing up.
I haven’t painted as much as before but at least in November I have finally picked up my brushes, I have learnt about this newsletter service for visual artist: http://www.pencilbooth.com from jagoillustration.com and am hoping maybe I can start doing some kind of newsletter next year.
So that’s about it for now, about my painting and drawing. I probably will try to post again next week about the move, the house, knitting and other things.
I have been cutting down my time on instagram and Facebook. Deleted the apps and only check when there’s a couple specific things to look up. Am I happier? I don’t know, but the urge to post daily and check if anyone like or comment my posts are gone. Less likely to check on comments that I find offensive or people’s profile whom I find idiotic. Healthier, in some ways, I suppose. I do also spend less time on YouTube. I buy what everyone buys and itchy to start ‘sharing’ my work, desperate to been read and seen. And I compare myself with others, some better than me, some maybe less exciting but I envy their presentation, I wish I could do this, I wish I could do that, I can’t do anything. It’s not helping.
In place of social media, I have put the radio on more often. This week in Woman’s Hour (BBC R4) I have discovered the artist Maeve Gilmore through the interview with her granddaughter. Her first solo show is in Clapham Common until 17 Jul. She was married to the writer Mervyn Peake. I first saw her paintings when they were shown on Split Milk Gallery’s Facebook post. Her work is very familiar household scenes, kids, pets, indoor, home. That’s what I see everyday too. Boring and exhausting. And yet there was no exhibition, no Facebook, no instagram, she painted thousands of them. That’s what I like about radio. It’s almost a message from the world that I can just draw without thinking ‘what’s it for?’. ‘who is going to see it?’ etc. No one cares. I can just do it for the sake of the betterment and happiness for myself.
As we are about to move, it’s time to decide if we want to keep the old magazines. I have many old Oh Comely magazines and old Artists & Illustrators magazines and they are still very good for inspiration. Like Instagram, but better. Maybe I should keep them, I don’t know.
The daylight is getting longer and longer. I am restless and exhausted. I have an injured heel so I am not walking anywhere. What makes it all the more difficult is, we are waiting for the house sale to conclude and it’s not the easiest time I really wish we can have a moving date. Life is put on hold. I want to join the Split Milk Gallery membership and exhibition, but I am not so sure about my work.
I am taking a step back today. I have received my second order with Rawlinson End’s art supply. It is such a treat. My last art haul of the year.
like little wrapped sweeties
Not letting me down at all, they kindly gave me 2 extra colour sample more than what I have ordered, it’s Venetian Red and Alizarin Crimson. Their pigment is delivered from the legendary L. Cornelissen & Son in London and the paints are hand mulled in Cornwall.
Both gorgeous colours but I have difficulty telling the difference between Venetian Red and Burnt Siena, as well as Viridian and Paltho Green. The one I was most looking forward to is Potter Pink, the colour is exactly like a deep salmon pink foxglove. Absolutely stunning.
The Chromium Oxide is also a very beautiful green I haven’t got anything like it. I thought it was brighter when I ordered. Alizarin Crimson is a beautiful dark pink too. I am very impressed by Rawlinson End as before. I drew this in my garden, although the purple/pink of my foxgloves is much sharper, the more common ones. I had like 20 minutes before Juno wakes up and all came to a halt again.
I have been watching Mattias Adolfsson’s YouTube real time drawing and notice how slow he works, that’s how he does his perfect lines without any pencil sketch. That’s how good art is made. Time and practice. I have neither.
I wish I have more time. I hope I will have more time. Like the pre-kids days. Both kids up by 6am and one cries and cries, the other one talks and talks. Both of them constantly need someone to answer them. I am very much exhausted. I wanted to hand in a piece of work for an exhibition. I don’t see I have time to meet any deadlines. Whenever I want to do anything, anything at all, however modest, it is at the cost of someone else’s wellbeing and happiness. And I can’t perform well anyway, with such limitation. Maybe I should forget about it and just hope I can just do, whatever.
I have used my new ultramarine Rawlinsonend.com and the watercolour paint from artful watercolour box in these two drawings.
This is how we normally go out. As we are living in a hilly area, and pushing the buggy uphill kills my shoulders, I usually only take my sling to go out with Juno. She loves her yellow trike, but only when she goes out. She loves helping me carrying the shopping, but they are too heavy for her it is not possible. Still she insists helping, because she is a toddler. So at the end I usually have to carry her, the shopping, the library books she picks, her trike, and her, and the random items she picks up on the road on my back to go home.
The days are very long. Kids get up early and not able to go to sleep until 10. And the younger one hasn’t slept enough. She is grumpy all day, every day, until evening. All day I have been so busy I rarely have time to sit down. Yet I am insanely bored. Last night I defied my urge to fall asleep and did a bit of drawing.
Now I am still nursing my daughter. Life is still one long feast on my boob for her, though she is closer to 3 than a baby now. I have bought a new concertina sketchbook from Rawlinsonend.com and I am very impressed by it’s quality. I am hoping to buy more watercolour paint from them. For £19 they offer free postage too, though i am aware that they are actually paying the postage themselves with Royal Mail. The freebies are lovely and they offer 10% off the next purchase.
Here is another image I have made this week. Me constantly on the stairs. I will redo this again as I like the idea but don’t like the colour/ style.
So that’s it for this week. The typeface of WordPress on the phone is a real pain, it keeps automatically rolling back to the top of the post. I am still holding my daughter and running out of patience.
So, as I said, I was busy with my homework and went to London last weekend. So things have been slow. But I have still done plenty of drawings. Here are a few:
I have started this a while ago, its a mixed media on marker paper work. This is typical scene in my house in the morning. We have a tiny hallway and everybody just loves to cramp into there getting ready to get out. And here is the wee trike my daughter is on everywhere with it.
Getting ready for school
Then after dropping my son to school, my daughter and I usually walk the dog. She likes train, we spend some time looking at trains. She is not even two and a half but she is fiercely independent. She insists walking, like I said before, and she loves to hold the dog lead by herself. I have to hold tight the middle of the lead so she doesn’t get pull over. I drew this with the Stabilo 3-in-1 woody pencils, Derwent pencils and some Cass art markers for highlight.
Walking the dog with a 2-year-old toddler
We make dessert together (melt-in-the-middle chocolate puddings) after Sunday dinner. I really like how calm it looks but in reality it’s stressful like a surgeon in the theatre.
Making dessert with kids
Lastly, I haven’t finished this one, but this is one of the girls we stayed with at my friends’ in London. They are a lovely couple I knew them since I came to London a decade ago and now we are all married, have kids and dogs. My daughter had a fabulous time there, so did I. I do miss London.
If you are looking for advice, you are at the wrong place. I write this blog not because I am an expert of parenting, but because I haven’t a clue, because I am so busy yet so bored. Don’t take this as a hint and tell me what I should do, what I should try, no I am not coming to seek advice either. This is just a place I want to scream I am so tired and I haven’t a ________ clue.
Take today as an example. After I have sent my son to school, I took the dog Penny and my toddler Juno out for a walk at half 9. The dog was anxious today because of the noises next door’s home renovation project made. My 2 year-old is fiercely independent but still trips over whenever she tries to accelerate. The dog runs faster than any living human. I was in the middle of these two fastest and slowest beings and struggling to manage both of them. Eventually we had a peaceful uneventful walk for an hour and got to the park. Juno even met another girl and played next to her. And when it’s time to go, she was very cooperative and signalled to ask me to put her on my back with my sling. (3 days ago she screamed her head off on my back and wiggled to get off) I managed to took her and the dog home without drama. I gave her some biscuits and milk. She wanted to go to nap. Everything was perfect.
Too perfect. I thought I was nailing it. I was so proud, a textbook morning. I even drew a sketch of her while she slept.
But not so fast. She only napped half an hour. OK. I managed not to not turn the telly on until 4pm. More lego play, took her to pick brother up with the bike, etc And I started making dinner because I knew she had a brief early nap and will be cranky soon. So everyone fed by 6, and while my husband took her to bath, I went to walk the dog again. And when I came home, she looks tired and I took her upstairs. I thought I must be winning it and can do my stuff alone soon.
And yet, not so fast. She did fall asleep. Very lightly. I couldn’t move at all. For 30mins. That was all. Woke up. Still grumpy. I asked husband to take her, knowing that they probably on the screen again. I couldn’t care less anymore. Husband brought her back to me in 20mins. Still grumpy.
Ya that’s basically it. For a minute or two ever 5 hours I think I must be doing it right, my rightful break that I truely deserve is waiting for me. But reality always proves otherwise. I haven’t had a break, by break I mean not being dictated by these cute tiny humans I have created, for years. I have tried to tick every box you are supposed to do with kids everyday, because instinctively I always want to do the right thing: outdoor time, less screen time, fresh homemade food everyday, routine, being caring and patient like a saint, plus teach my son maths who seems to have made up his mind that he is totally uninterested. Everything takes so much energy and time. It’s so demanding and frustrating.
Recently I have watched The Lost Daughter on Netflix, starred Olivia Colma , based on the book by Eleanor Farrante. I watched it in front of the kids, skipped all the rude and naughty parts. But still, it rings so much truth. I hope I will have time to write about Farrante soon.
Now I am still waiting the wee one to go back to sleep. As much as I know once these days are over I will miss them being tiny, I still hate how much I have given up for them. Literally, all my freedom and my sanity.
images below are the fragments that I will remember, it won’t be the frustration and pain that I feel drowning in today.
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如果你在找建議，你來錯地方了。我開始寫這個網誌，不是我知道如何照顧我的孩子，而是因為我真的完全不知可以怎樣做，然後很多人會告訴我我應該試甚麼，應該如何做，不，我寫不是我想brainstorm 還有甚麼方法我沒試過，而是我只是想記下我真 haven’t a __________ clue。
就以今日為例，今早大兒上學後，我帶狗仔 Penny 和我的女兒九點出外。其中一個原因是鄰居裝收的機械聲音令 Penny 很不安。我讓現在已經很獨立的女兒步行，兩歲的小孩行得很慢，Penny 的步速比一個跑步選手要快，我在兩者之間拉据，走了一小時，去到公園，玩了半小時，回程時女兒很乖示意讓我在背上孭起她，於是我們十一點半回家，吃了點餅，她就示意要午睡。截至中午，一切簡直是 textbook 般完美，我還趁機畫了她zzz的樣子。但她只是睡了半小時。然後我去給她午餐，一整天到 4 時才開電視，怕她的午睡太早 4時開始做晚飯，6 時吃完我去放 penny，爸爸給她沖涼，回來她開始扭眼瞓。我還以為她能早睡我可以有自己時間。豈料她睡得很淺，我動彈不得，半小時又醒了，我把她給了爸爸，深知爸爸只會和她看電視，但我已經 couldn’t give a ________ anymore。但20分鐘後爸爸又把她抱回來。
Hi guys. This is going to be a quick one. A few things that I am working on, or I shouldn’t be working on. It’s been really difficult this week and involves a lot of crying. She could be one minute very excited to go to the park, next minute have a meltdown and we are grounded, or crying on the street for the whole hour when we had no choice but had to be outside. I am going down to London from Scotland in a few days and I am very worried if we are going to be stuck.
Well that’s it for this week as I really should get back to my uni work. Keeping it short. TTFL, Ta-ta-for-now!
Sketching baby on 09/01/2022Sketching baby on 06/01/2022my homework at the back, and some knitting.
Daphne Bennett 