Daphne Bennett

I have done a thing.

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  • What to do now? (weekly roundup)

    What to do now? (weekly roundup)

    I have been cutting down my time on instagram and Facebook. Deleted the apps and only check when there’s a couple specific things to look up. Am I happier? I don’t know, but the urge to post daily and check if anyone like or comment my posts are gone. Less likely to check on comments that I find offensive or people’s profile whom I find idiotic. Healthier, in some ways, I suppose. I do also spend less time on YouTube. I buy what everyone buys and itchy to start ‘sharing’ my work, desperate to been read and seen. And I compare myself with others, some better than me, some maybe less exciting but I envy their presentation, I wish I could do this, I wish I could do that, I can’t do anything. It’s not helping.

    In place of social media, I have put the radio on more often. This week in Woman’s Hour (BBC R4) I have discovered the artist Maeve Gilmore through the interview with her granddaughter. Her first solo show is in Clapham Common until 17 Jul. She was married to the writer Mervyn Peake. I first saw her paintings when they were shown on Split Milk Gallery’s Facebook post. Her work is very familiar household scenes, kids, pets, indoor, home. That’s what I see everyday too. Boring and exhausting. And yet there was no exhibition, no Facebook, no instagram, she painted thousands of them. That’s what I like about radio. It’s almost a message from the world that I can just draw without thinking ‘what’s it for?’. ‘who is going to see it?’ etc. No one cares. I can just do it for the sake of the betterment and happiness for myself.

    As we are about to move, it’s time to decide if we want to keep the old magazines. I have many old Oh Comely magazines and old Artists & Illustrators magazines and they are still very good for inspiration. Like Instagram, but better. Maybe I should keep them, I don’t know.

    The daylight is getting longer and longer. I am restless and exhausted. I have an injured heel so I am not walking anywhere. What makes it all the more difficult is, we are waiting for the house sale to conclude and it’s not the easiest time I really wish we can have a moving date. Life is put on hold. I want to join the Split Milk Gallery membership and exhibition, but I am not so sure about my work.

    I am taking a step back today. I have received my second order with Rawlinson End’s art supply. It is such a treat. My last art haul of the year.

    like little wrapped sweeties

    Not letting me down at all, they kindly gave me 2 extra colour sample more than what I have ordered, it’s Venetian Red and Alizarin Crimson. Their pigment is delivered from the legendary L. Cornelissen & Son in London and the paints are hand mulled in Cornwall.

    Both gorgeous colours but I have difficulty telling the difference between Venetian Red and Burnt Siena, as well as Viridian and Paltho Green. The one I was most looking forward to is Potter Pink, the colour is exactly like a deep salmon pink foxglove. Absolutely stunning.

    Digitalis from Burncoose Nurseries

    The Chromium Oxide is also a very beautiful green I haven’t got anything like it. I thought it was brighter when I ordered. Alizarin Crimson is a beautiful dark pink too. I am very impressed by Rawlinson End as before. I drew this in my garden, although the purple/pink of my foxgloves is much sharper, the more common ones. I had like 20 minutes before Juno wakes up and all came to a halt again.

    I have been watching Mattias Adolfsson’s YouTube real time drawing and notice how slow he works, that’s how he does his perfect lines without any pencil sketch. That’s how good art is made. Time and practice. I have neither.

    I wish I have more time. I hope I will have more time. Like the pre-kids days. Both kids up by 6am and one cries and cries, the other one talks and talks. Both of them constantly need someone to answer them. I am very much exhausted. I wanted to hand in a piece of work for an exhibition. I don’t see I have time to meet any deadlines. Whenever I want to do anything, anything at all, however modest, it is at the cost of someone else’s wellbeing and happiness. And I can’t perform well anyway, with such limitation. Maybe I should forget about it and just hope I can just do, whatever.

  • Shopping with toddler.

    Shopping with toddler.

    I have used my new ultramarine Rawlinsonend.com and the watercolour paint from artful watercolour box in these two drawings.

    This is how we normally go out. As we are living in a hilly area, and pushing the buggy uphill kills my shoulders, I usually only take my sling to go out with Juno. She loves her yellow trike, but only when she goes out. She loves helping me carrying the shopping, but they are too heavy for her it is not possible. Still she insists helping, because she is a toddler. So at the end I usually have to carry her, the shopping, the library books she picks, her trike, and her, and the random items she picks up on the road on my back to go home.

  • Getting dressed and other chores (weekly round up)

    Getting dressed and other chores (weekly round up)

    The days are very long. Kids get up early and not able to go to sleep until 10. And the younger one hasn’t slept enough. She is grumpy all day, every day, until evening. All day I have been so busy I rarely have time to sit down. Yet I am insanely bored. Last night I defied my urge to fall asleep and did a bit of drawing.

    Now I am still nursing my daughter. Life is still one long feast on my boob for her, though she is closer to 3 than a baby now. I have bought a new concertina sketchbook from Rawlinsonend.com and I am very impressed by it’s quality. I am hoping to buy more watercolour paint from them. For £19 they offer free postage too, though i am aware that they are actually paying the postage themselves with Royal Mail. The freebies are lovely and they offer 10% off the next purchase.

    Here is another image I have made this week. Me constantly on the stairs. I will redo this again as I like the idea but don’t like the colour/ style.

    So that’s it for this week. The typeface of WordPress on the phone is a real pain, it keeps automatically rolling back to the top of the post. I am still holding my daughter and running out of patience.

    Can’t wait to have more free time.

  • The Boy and the dog

    The Boy and the dog

    A little practice. Drawing from photo of son when he was 5 and the dog when it was still a pup.

    Lazy day, Juno’s nap was brief.

  • Weekly round-up

    Weekly round-up

    So, as I said, I was busy with my homework and went to London last weekend. So things have been slow. But I have still done plenty of drawings. Here are a few:

    I have started this a while ago, its a mixed media on marker paper work. This is typical scene in my house in the morning. We have a tiny hallway and everybody just loves to cramp into there getting ready to get out. And here is the wee trike my daughter is on everywhere with it.

    Getting ready for school

    Then after dropping my son to school, my daughter and I usually walk the dog. She likes train, we spend some time looking at trains. She is not even two and a half but she is fiercely independent. She insists walking, like I said before, and she loves to hold the dog lead by herself. I have to hold tight the middle of the lead so she doesn’t get pull over. I drew this with the Stabilo 3-in-1 woody pencils, Derwent pencils and some Cass art markers for highlight.

    Walking the dog with a 2-year-old toddler

    We make dessert together (melt-in-the-middle chocolate puddings) after Sunday dinner. I really like how calm it looks but in reality it’s stressful like a surgeon in the theatre.

    Making dessert with kids

    Lastly, I haven’t finished this one, but this is one of the girls we stayed with at my friends’ in London. They are a lovely couple I knew them since I came to London a decade ago and now we are all married, have kids and dogs. My daughter had a fabulous time there, so did I. I do miss London.

    Moomins & Leona
  • A day like this

    A day like this

    If you are looking for advice, you are at the wrong place. I write this blog not because I am an expert of parenting, but because I haven’t a clue, because I am so busy yet so bored. Don’t take this as a hint and tell me what I should do, what I should try, no I am not coming to seek advice either. This is just a place I want to scream I am so tired and I haven’t a ________ clue.

    Take today as an example. After I have sent my son to school, I took the dog Penny and my toddler Juno out for a walk at half 9. The dog was anxious today because of the noises next door’s home renovation project made. My 2 year-old is fiercely independent but still trips over whenever she tries to accelerate. The dog runs faster than any living human. I was in the middle of these two fastest and slowest beings and struggling to manage both of them. Eventually we had a peaceful uneventful walk for an hour and got to the park. Juno even met another girl and played next to her. And when it’s time to go, she was very cooperative and signalled to ask me to put her on my back with my sling. (3 days ago she screamed her head off on my back and wiggled to get off) I managed to took her and the dog home without drama. I gave her some biscuits and milk. She wanted to go to nap. Everything was perfect.

    Too perfect. I thought I was nailing it. I was so proud, a textbook morning.  I even drew a sketch of her while she slept.

    But not so fast. She only napped half an hour. OK. I managed not to not turn the telly on until 4pm. More lego play, took her to pick brother up with the bike, etc And I started making dinner because I knew she had a brief early nap and will be cranky soon. So everyone fed by 6, and while my husband took her to bath, I went to walk the dog again. And when I came home,  she looks tired and I took her upstairs. I thought I must be winning it and can do my stuff alone soon.

    And yet, not so fast. She did fall asleep. Very lightly. I couldn’t move at all. For 30mins. That was all. Woke up. Still grumpy. I asked husband to take her, knowing that they probably on the screen again. I couldn’t care less anymore. Husband brought her back to me in 20mins. Still grumpy.

    Ya that’s basically it. For a minute or two ever 5 hours I think I must be doing it right, my rightful break that I truely deserve is waiting for me. But reality always proves otherwise. I haven’t had a break, by break I mean not being dictated by these cute tiny humans I have created, for years. I have tried to tick every box you are supposed to do with kids everyday, because instinctively I always want to do the right thing: outdoor time, less screen time, fresh homemade food everyday, routine, being caring and patient like a saint, plus teach my son maths who seems to have made up his mind that he is totally uninterested.  Everything takes so much energy and time. It’s so demanding and frustrating.

    Recently I have watched The Lost Daughter on Netflix, starred Olivia Colma , based on the book by Eleanor Farrante. I watched it in front of the kids, skipped all the rude and naughty parts. But still, it rings so much truth. I hope I will have time to write about Farrante soon.

    Now I am still waiting the wee one to go back to sleep. As much as I know once these days are over I will miss them being tiny, I still hate how much I have given up for them. Literally, all my freedom and my sanity.

    images below are the fragments that I will remember, it won’t be the frustration and pain that I feel drowning in today.

    _______________________________________

    如果你在找建議，你來錯地方了。我開始寫這個網誌，不是我知道如何照顧我的孩子，而是因為我真的完全不知可以怎樣做，然後很多人會告訴我我應該試甚麼，應該如何做，不，我寫不是我想brainstorm 還有甚麼方法我沒試過，而是我只是想記下我真 haven’t a __________ clue。

    就以今日為例，今早大兒上學後，我帶狗仔 Penny 和我的女兒九點出外。其中一個原因是鄰居裝收的機械聲音令 Penny 很不安。我讓現在已經很獨立的女兒步行，兩歲的小孩行得很慢，Penny 的步速比一個跑步選手要快，我在兩者之間拉据，走了一小時，去到公園，玩了半小時，回程時女兒很乖示意讓我在背上孭起她，於是我們十一點半回家，吃了點餅，她就示意要午睡。截至中午，一切簡直是 textbook 般完美，我還趁機畫了她zzz的樣子。但她只是睡了半小時。然後我去給她午餐，一整天到 4 時才開電視，怕她的午睡太早 4時開始做晚飯，6 時吃完我去放 penny，爸爸給她沖涼，回來她開始扭眼瞓。我還以為她能早睡我可以有自己時間。豈料她睡得很淺，我動彈不得，半小時又醒了，我把她給了爸爸，深知爸爸只會和她看電視，但我已經 couldn’t  give a ________ anymore。但20分鐘後爸爸又把她抱回來。

    就是這樣，每數小時有一兩分鐘感到自己今天很成功，然後立即給現實打沉。沒人幫手的我自問也很盡力，已經很多年天天也跟著他們和老公的作息，盡量每天有戶外運動，天天自己煮盡少買零食，盡量少任他們看一整天電視，完全控制得好自己的情緒 ，家務做不完就是做不完，但天天也盡量做。所以我對其他人的批評和建議很敏感和抗拒。我已經在這個半浮半沈的狀態，完全沒有自我很多年了。

    最近看了olivia colman主演 elenor ferrante 的著作 the lost daughter 。唉，有時間再說。

    以下是我知道我會記得的畫面。

    (btw 英文版為準）

  • Sketchbook log

    Sketchbook log

    This week in a glance.

    Hi guys. This is going to be a quick one. A few things that I am working on, or I shouldn’t be working on. It’s been really difficult this week and involves a lot of crying. She could be one minute very excited to go to the park, next minute have a meltdown and we are grounded, or crying on the street for the whole hour when we had no choice but had to be outside. I am going down to London from Scotland in a few days and I am very worried if we are going to be stuck.

    Well that’s it for this week as I really should get back to my uni work. Keeping it short. TTFL, Ta-ta-for-now!

    Sketching baby on 09/01/2022
    Sketching baby on 06/01/2022
    my homework at the back, and some knitting.
  • I have done it! (at least the easy part)

    I have done it! (at least the easy part)

    I have bought the domain! Part of my new year resolutions, get back on blogging regularly and consume less. I am hoping blog at least once a week to record my kids’ growth and my life in general, things that I am working on, other blogs, movies and books that I enjoy, things I treasure. My family is preparing to move again in the new year, and later hopefully I can get back to learning to drive. This is going to be a busy new year. Lots on the to-do list. I am both excited and scared.

    I have made these decisions: write more and spend less than on social media, thanks to a few artists I followed these years, that includes the Julia Bausehardt and Holly Exley who created brilliant YouTube videos reflecting on the shortcomings of social media, the tyranny of algorium. I have run 4 different instagram accounts because it seems you should stick to one topic in order to be seen, and I have run a Facebook page which I never have enough time to update and make any smart remarks that can make myself popular.

    Special thanks to My Giant Strawberry‘s blog advices gave me the courage and inspiration to start from scratch again. And now I am using the WordPress.com personal plan, special thanks to their technical support is surprisingly quick to answer my questions.

    我終於買咗自己嘅網址喇! 今年我真係好想認真經營一個網誌，寫多d 但睇少d，每星期都講下最近嘅生活，減少依賴社交媒體嘅現成版面同algorithm ，睇多d 仲有心 blog緊嘅人嘅網站。我仍然會update fb 同 ig，但希望有精神無聊時就寫多幾隻字，記錄近排嘅生活，介紹同分析下近排睇緊嘅書 blog 同戲。今年將會好忙，我哋可能搬屋，有好多家務功課要做，細女仍然全天候要照顧，今年將會忙到我都驚，但我好想認真記錄這些年，無論如何匆忙，如何不完美。

    我有咁嘅決定因為我從兩個 artists Julia Bausehardt 和 Holly Exley 得到啟示，真係覺得social media 除咗徙我時間外，真係幫唔到我宣傳或創作，只係愈用愈唔開心。我都唔諗住會吸引到好多followers，又無辦法用來揾食，所以更加無需要follow佢哋嘅遊戲規則。我覺得blogging較適合我，於是我返嚟blogging 了。

    還想特別點名多謝 My Giant Strawberry 的兩個 post 給我勇氣再由頭嘗試，和wordpress.com 的technical support 很快速給我回應疑問。

  • On blogging and diary keeping

    Rambling nonsense when I should be focusing on my homework.

    I know blogging isn’t popular at all. Although there are a few diligent bloggers, many have dropped out years ago when social media takes over. I have started blogging since my teenage, on and off, more off than on. And every now and then, I wish I had a consistent blog of 5 years, 10 years, no matter how out of fashion it is, or not.

    It’s 10pm. I am still waiting for my wee girl to go to sleep. And I have a demanding essay that I have to hand in, an impending deadline ahead of me.

    Facebook & Instagram used to be fun. But recently I notice many people I actively (or passively) follow disappeared on my fb feed, replaced by more and more ads and repeated contents, contents that I have seen multiple times. And instead of showing me people that I follow, Instagram also shows me far too many ads and “suggestions”. They are always controversial and now it’s obvious they are not even fun enough to kill time anymore.

    Even if one isn’t not looking for new followers, aiming to get thousands of likes in every post, one still must update daily, weekly, use the right hashtags to have people already following you to see your posts. And use the right new functions, the reels, the stories to keep oneself ‘relevant’. Honestly I don’t have the time for it. I am just a mum, whose schedule is impossibly tight and painfully unpredictable and dictated by everyone arouns me, whose days are soul destroyingly boring and unproductive. I draws when I have time, I need a creative outlet, I need to put one word after another to make sense of the world, I want some feedback but but I won’t have enough time to update regularly to please the algorithm.

    On the other hand, do I really need feedback? A cheering team? A tutor who can point out I need to improve my writing style? A professor to show me my spelling mistakes? It’s just my ordinary life, what feedback do I need? I wouldn’t ask my friends to get email notifications from me whenever I write a few lines. I am too shy for people I know see my grammatical mistakes and messy composure. It is impossible to be nakedly honest to everyone all the time (that’s why we care how we dress!). Blogging and diary keeping do feel like shouting into a void, but maybe that’s what I need. A void to suck in all my negativity.

    As we are entering a new year, I can see more clearly I am not actively starting a business, trying to sell anything, attract any attention to seek commission work or opportunities. I have a plate full of housework, uni work and baby duties, anything, literally anything more than I am already doing, will tip over and prove itself unachievable and disappointing (which honestly, that’s what I have seen in 2021).

    So this is another year. Another year of being a fulltime mum. Another year of trying and failing. But maybe this is really the year I can start the blog I want myself to read in the future. I am going to upgrade and get a domain this month, but I am going to write about anything and everything I want to read later, without thinking whether I can attract the right audience, or if it will help me in what ways in the future.

  • Happy new year

    Happy new year

    Still half an hour before getting ready for school. 21x21cm pencil

    不知不覺已經是2022年! (非常cliché)

    新的一年我沒有什麼大志，一年到尾每天也要湊仔，洗衫煮飯陪玩陪瞓，lego火車執完又執，到晚上兩個小朋友睡了我才開始catch up大學的功課，然後又嘗試早兩個小時起身繼續做功課，還有時間沖涼已很有ambition，所以我真的有心無力keep up with the social media game。在2021年下半年我完成了一本sketch journal，那是我很自豪的一件事。其他的，隨緣了。

    這張畫是今年第一張在新的sketchbook畫起的畫，是一天早上我看到bertie 早起床還有半小時才要換衫上學的放空時間，看他的關於宇宙的書， 那一頁的標題是《The Life Cycle of Stars》。juno看著窗外太陽升起陽光照在小鎮的教堂外牆。太陽是恒星，相比起渺小的我們，和我們的悲喜，是永恒的，;教堂大概百年前在這裡，百年後仍屹立此地，但相對他們這個年紀，胖胖的臉龐，甚麼也笑大半天的幼稚氣，就像影射在教堂的日光，在各種家務和沉悶煩鎖事匆匆忙忙中，一轉身就不會再見了。

    It’s 2022 before you know it! (What a cliché)

    I am not able to have much new year resolutions, every day is the same: same old laundry, cooking, breastfeeding the 2-year-old, changing nappies, teaching my 8-year-old everyday, along side with my OU degree assignments after both kids gone to sleep (and before they get up ). I am happy if I manage to have a shower eberyday. In the 2nd half of 2021 I have managed to keep and finish a sketchbook journal. I am trying to start on my phone. I am not able to paint and update social media like many artists or blogger , I don’t see where it will lead to.

    This is the first completed drawing in my sketchbook this year. One morning, Bertie got up early and there was still half an hour before he had to get change and he was just idly reading on his bed, the title on the page is “The Life Cycle of Stars”. Juno was looking out at the window. The sun was rising and shining on the church of our little town. The sun is a star. It lasts eternally compared to every thing. The church will be probably still standing where it is a hundred years later. But Bertie and Juno, their laughters and silliness, the churbiness of their cheeks, seem to be that fleeting morning sun over the humble little town we are living in. Yes, the day is always filled with never-ending housework and mundane but difficult tasks, but you’ll just miss what makes it endurable once you turn away and rush back to the grinder.