10 Sept 2026. I’ve got a runny nose so bad that it triggers nosebleed all the time. Today is as good as other days not to write.

I have tried to start a few post, then I put them aside. I was thinking about completing the paint job in the garden before it gets cold, but the heating has already set off automatically this morning. I don’t think that is happening this year now.

The kids have gone back to school and a range of classes they attend has resumed too. Yet here I am, floored by a rubbish cold. I start to think the lack of productivity is my personal failing instead of the kids’ presence. But I don’t know how often people catch a cold, I seem to have it all the time rather easily. I am very lucky that I work from home and can get away with looking really rubbish and unpresentable.

New MPA module starting this week – Exploring Policy Research. As usual, I feel personally threatened by the assessment questions but I believe my confidence will grow gradually as I keep going. All the academic jargons feel alien and distant but once I started reading they resonate many aspect of my work and personal life. I have learnt about different research model, policy cycle and research process, identifying how my work use evidence to inform policy decisions on three policy levels – directional, strategic and operational etc. I am also invited to source policy research examples and identify research papers from different key sources. I am reading why ‘evidence-based’/’rationalist’ approach fail to convince the public and how affective approach and story-telling play a more if not equally important role. Since last module I have started taking the weekly discussion very seriously. Although we normally are only allowed to contribute 250 words in our response, I try to spend some time to evaluate my answer and get used to referencing and citing module materials.

There are plenty of onsite uni events for the new academic year. I wish, I really wish, I could attend uni on site one day. I started my journey as an Open University student, not knowing I had enough points to attend a traditional UK uni with my HK A-level results. Then I had my kids, and moved homes all the time across the country. I managed to graduate after 12 years with frequent breaks. Now as a solo-parent with two kids to look after, online study is my only option. Even going to York once a month for some events or to use the library is still impossible. I really enjoy studying, it helps me find my place in the world. But still, I am always alone to do so and I hear from many that the highlight of university years are meeting people and networking.

Boundaries. Limitation. Go it alone. That’s all I know in my life.

I have attended the online webinar briefing session for Social Care Data Analyst Level 4 apprenticeship yesterday. I don’t think I will apply this year. And I should really concentrate on completing my MPA, not being greedy and taking on more work and study. I still hope I can work towards a more technical qualification like data engineering as I continue to progress in my current role. I have gone off LinkedIn a few months ago because I can’t just keep applying for jobs and tip my balance over. Things take time, can’t rush. Especially when I have a bad cold every week.

I have finished a few books over the summer. They changes my perspective of many things. While I can’t ignore the urge to talk about them, I might as well try to write more. I have been thinking about life, about my parents, about my relationship with social media, my loneliness, my years as a parent, my years as a NEET, these days, particularly when I am not reading or watching anything on the screens. I often feel I can’t tell where is my place in the world. I have stopped talking to my mum completely, as she has gone down the rabbit hole for far too many years and now she is obsessed with sharing horrifying reel and rebranding herself with AI. My dad has a new life, new wife, and can’t find the time to talk to me much. He doesn’t feel there’s a need to tell me anything anymore. When he does, he is obviously a Trump supporter and it is difficult, and pointless, to explain to him it is a bit more complicated than that. I tried, he listens, but that’s about it.

As an adult navigating life on my own with two children, studying and working, I wish there is someone I can confide to. I watched H is for Hawk with the children last weekend, and I was overwhelmed by jealousy – that McDonald has a well-read journalist dad who loved and guided her and a mum that she could always hold on to, move back with, when things fall apart.

It was a good book and a good film. I liked the book back then and I don’t mind reading it again. But it’s too foreign for me. I was beaten and told to leave and never return since I can remember. And I left. After begging for love from my very own parents for many years, as children do. I am defined by unrequited love. And now my parents separated, both live a life unrecognizable and irrelevant to me. It was plain to me that I have wasted 20 years of their lives and I was a costly miscalculation when I saw them again last year. It would be better for all of us if we all forget it and move on.

I will never do this to my own children. I will always be their home.

I don’t live a bad life, after all. I just live a very lonely life, that’s all.

The trap of comparison, not living the life with most fun or freedom, not pretty, not clever, not doing anything interesting, need a haircut, keep catching a cold, what can my mundane life offer the world? I am not looking for further income with a paid-subscription – I don’t believe anyone wants to pay to read my rambling.

But to find my place in the world, I should write more, I should. I will.