Daphne Bennett

There are years that my Google Map review shown my furthest adventure was a supermarket 5 miles east to my house or a park 10 miles west, as a passenger.

But not this year.

I went to London 3 times, visited Edinburgh, Durham, drove to Barnsley and flew Hong Kong. I haven’t flown for 8 years. I have finally passed my driving test in March. I drove to IKEA for furniture and take the kids out to the shops and the river and get ice-cream in farm shops. I don’t have to rely on C to pick up and drop off for early and night shifts. I have finally gained one of the most basic and essential life skill this year.

Still working 3 days a week as Caseworker and picking up weekend shifts in Children’s Homes in the weekend, I submitted a job application (1 day/ week, wfh) on 20th Dec 2024 not expecting too much of it. It is a role asking for 3 years of data analysis lead experience. I’ve got none. Zero. I received an email on 6Jan 2025 informing me that I was shortlisted for a job interview. I panicked and did a few Linkedin Learning courses and I attended the interview even I did not think I stand a chance. I thought it was a waste of time. Did not think much about it. I missed three phone-calls on the Friday from the interviewer. I thought, if it’s negative they probably would just leave a voice message. And guess what, I got it. This was a brilliant start of the year.

I had my first (or second, depends how you define it, ok, second) driving test on 24th January. And failed because I messed up at a roundabout – in the blinding winter sun I couldn’t see which lane I was supposed to be in and I didn’t stop soon enough whilst panicking. A fail is a fail. I had to rebook my test and there was no slot available until August (!) and not even in my local test centre. I downloaded two apps to look for earlier slots. I have started using our car in Dec24 and picked up a Christmas tree in Morrisons and drove it home with C by my side. Since failing my test C had practised with me in our car whenever possible. And finally I got a slot on 14March lunch time – and this time it was the same examiner, and, I passed.

My new life has begun. I remember how stressful it was first time driving my two kids on a dual carriage way for 15mins to a big park. Now 15mins on the motorway is nothing.

I have hired a company to put an insulated roof on the existing conservatory, that was a game changer. And I got a desk and two docking monitors from my new council job started in April. I am so thrilled to have my own office space (which is also simultaneously my daughter’s art and craft space). I attended the Members’ Staff Annual Conference in Portcullis House in March, visited the Westminster Hall again for a welcoming event selected in a mentorship programme in June and climbed the Big Ben (Elizabeth Tower) with my HoC staff pass in August. I visited Edinburgh for the First Minister Question in Scottish Parliament, met many amazing people and had a few days on my own, wandering in Notting Hill at 4am, watching a movie in Edinburgh at 10pm, walking from Causeway Bay to Mid-Levels in Hong Kong, living my life like how it used to be, before being a mother.

I have tried a lot of things this year. It is definitely not all roses and victory. But I have been further than any other years before, metaphorically and literally.

I regret I have not read very deeply or written consistently this year. I make excuse when I am tired and when I am busy. And I am always tired and busy. First half of the year was a blur. I treated myself with a few statistic and popular science books for Christmas, as I was listening to Tim Harford’s More Or Less introducing new book of David Speigelhater The Art of Uncertainty. I have met Julian Barnes at Foyles in March, in his book launch Changing My Mind, published by Notting Hill edition. I have read Gavin Stevenson’s Trading Game, which was a surprisingly funny page-turner, Nexus by Yuval Noah Harari and Careless People by Sarah Wynn-Williams. I have read something about Human Resources and change management and Esping-Anderson’s Three Worlds of Welfare Capitalism.

Coming back from Hong Kong, I sank into a dip. Despite all the changes, everything I knew was mostly still there, but I am not a character in any of their lives anymore, not even my own parents. As for old friends, it’s hard to try to keep in touch, as there is nothing in common between us anymore. I have moved a dozen times since I came to the UK alone 16 years ago, and have lived in more places than many here had travelled. It was hard to give up FB scrolling because of nostalgia, but I know well enough both the people and FB I used to know ceased to exist. I feel so trapped in my head, when looking after two children and a dog is my priority and English is my second language, that’s why I am on social media all the time, like a magic carpet.

When it felt all is pointless- writing is pointless, reading is pointless, photography is pointless and drawing is pointless, when AI (slop) is king and I am acutely aware that I don’t have the right personality or charisma or freedom to get anything done – maybe I don’t want to change the world, I just want to have childcare sorted out and a new shiny kitchen and a usable deck in the garden… When I was really struggling to see the point of it all, I met Jeanette Winterson in November at York Place, at her book launch event One Aladdin Two Lamps. I only knew some of the names of her books (which sound very rebellious) but I haven’t had the pleasure to read them yet. I booked a ticket purely because I was in Edinburgh and I was looking for something to do. It was an important encounter to me because her recent book discusses the most urgent question in my mind, ‘what is the point of it all?’ if I don’t have the right story, right grammar, right background, right connection, right accent, right kind of support and financial freedom… what is the point of me trying so hard to make a mark and to show my daughter it matters?

I see everyone doing anything interesting lives in places that have more to offer. I am such a sad miserable bore. But I see my 6-year-old daughter started painting and making comic books. Even if I have given up art and reading myself, I still have to nurture a world that creating makes sense. Winterson says, every good story asks ‘what if?’ in impossible situation. Maybe very well we are living in shitty times, but, what if I can change it for my children? And how do I know I can’t unless I try?

I watched a lot more TV and movies since I went to Hong Kong in late September as I decided it was impossible to continue doing my master degree while working fulltime. Understanding I am unable to meet the workload of a Master Degree while jiggling my heavy workload, I called uni to defer and start again hopefully later next year. I don’t think it is pointless. I do enjoy it, but it will have to wait. There is some changes on the horizon that will affect my work pattern anyway. Giving up (for now) give me the freedom to live in the world again. This year I have watched One Day, Dept Q, Adolescence, Slow Horses S4, Pluribus, Stranger Things, The Zone of Interest, Anatomy of The Fall, Le 47, Steve, Jay Kelly, The Holdover… I want to write about things that I watched like I did when studying in secondary school.

I have been to the cinema a few times, but more than half of them are children’s movies like Gabby Dollhouse and Minecraft. I have watched Die, My Love, (which was a disappointment) in the Edinburgh Everyman Cinema (loved it). I have also watched Fifth Step (National Theatre Live) in the cinema with C and the children play The Paper Dolls and a Julia Donaldson one in London with my daughter. I wanted to watch a play in a small theatre in London but I just not had the chance. I would like to watch more live performance.

Later in November, I have completed James Davis’ book Sedated :How Modern Capitalism Created our Mental Health Crisis, on how big pharma and psychology influence our politics and public discourse in worklessness and unemployment. But understanding the world is one thing, living in it is another.

I have no choice but to jiggle them all – work, childcare, loneliness, uncertainties and difficulties comes with human relationships… I find it very difficult to understand what I should do. This year I have tried counselling, mentoring, career coaching, everyone told me I should be myself, but it doesn’t make sense, because being myself is where it goes wrong. Then I watched Stranger Things 5 (not great, btw) – and there it clicks, I look everywhere, but the answers are always within me, I can’t just quit my job, move or neglect my responsibilities to be ‘me’ – and honestly, ‘me’ is ignorant, annoying and unbearable. Then I stopped looking. I followed Joan Dillion’s advice, and I read my old messy notebook, those notebooks are me. And perhaps I should try harder to write more.

I want to write about what I have watched and read, to remember and to make sense of it all.

I have picked things up. I have mess things up. I have put things away. Above all, I have no choice but to keep trying, to be a better person in 2026.

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有些年我的google timeline 會話我聽我我邊度都無去過，一年到尾最遠只是去過西面十幾分鐘車程一個小鎮的大型超市和東面廿多分鐘車程的一個公園，而且我不過是一個乘客。

但不是今年。

今年我三月十四號終於考到車，去過倫敦西敏寺三次，用下議院員工票爬上大笨鐘頂，一丁友揸車去Barnsley，終於第一次用本英國護照飛返香港。由揸車上公路去宜家傢俬到帶啲細路周末去farm shop 買雪糕到周末早去晚返打兒童院散工，我終於有獨立謀生嘅必須技能。

上年十月我開始喺MP office 返工，掛名係下議院員工，一個星期返三日，再繼續執啲兒童院周末散工。我喺上年十二月二十號完全無勝數嘅打算遞交咗一份Information Officer (要求三年data analysis lead 經驗)求職信，一月六號我被shortlisted，狂睇 Linkedin Learning，一月廿號見工，我見完都諗住大家徙大家時間啦。點知嗰個星期五我有三個missed call，我知呢度如果咁誠心打電話打到你聽嘅話多數係請咗你但我又唔敢相信，但星期一我就知，真係請咗。真係不可置信嘅運氣。

一月二十四號我去咗考車，冬日嘅陽光太刺眼喺個唔屬路嘅徊旋處剎唔切 brake，肥咗，即刻再book 要等到八月尾仲要唔係自己住個town。我download 咗兩個apps去搵早啲嘅slot，最後三月十四號終於卜到考試時間，同一個考官，驚到心都離埋，學咗成十年車終於pass咗。

三月頭我花咗 8k 請人加裝咗個conservatory 屋頂，四月data 工開工時有兩個新docking screen俾我，再津貼我買張書檯，我終於有自己 office啦 。當然我嘅工作地方就係我個女嘅創意天地，佢好快已經將我嘅地方據為己有，但終於有自己嘅空間真係另一個里程碑。

有多咗少少自己時間啦，夏天四點起咗身訓唔返天光晒漫步 Notting Hill，夜晚喺愛丁堡聽完新書發報會跟住去 Everyman Cinema 豪華戲院睇戲，喺香港hea誠品無印九點幾十點食車仔麵。

今年我見多咗好多人，尤其難得被一個智庫揀中嘅訓練計劃，去多咗好多地方，唔同嘅就業輔導，心理輔導服務，員工免費benefit 就試下啦，都係解答唔到我嘅問題。或者好土咁話，所有問題嘅答案都係已經喺我入面，只有我先答到自己。

八月尾同啲細路同C 去咗幾日倫敦，九月去咗Barnsley 同 London 兩個重要得嚟我又準備不足嘅event。有細路喺屋企我好難集中精神睇到點突破自己，好多嘢做，好多雜念雜聲雜物，我都仲係長時間好似遇溺咁好似透唔到氣。我都唔知點解 C 一星期三日兩晚唔喺屋我仲可以打三份parttime。九月尾十月因為嫲嫲過身所以返咗香港一個星期，出值喪禮，見下啲屋企人，父母兩個都各有伴侶。返香港最掛住嘅反而係一個人食嘅嘢 – 車仔麵，魚蛋河嗰類食物比任何大魚大肉也滋味。

我好開心今年我有能力買機票book 酒店自己照顧自己。由考到車牌儲到少少自己錢，終於大個啦。另一方面雖然啲細路仲細，佢哋放假我要返工都仲係好頭痛，但起碼個仔可以放學自己返屋企一兩個鐘，我喺冬天又凍又濕唔帶個女出去放狗都還可以。最難照顧最困身嗰幾年終於過去咗。

我其實因為寂寞浪費咗好多時間 9 碌 fb ig，集中精力睇書嘅時間好少，睇完嘅嘢過目即忘好快又唔記得。眼闊肚窄，Manager問我返多日好唔好，睇錢份上我又話好，兒童院唔夠人，返多兩更多三百鎊，生活開支咁貴，仲要返下香港，聖誕又洗凸，唔通有錢唔賺咩。開始咗Master 雖然好有興趣但返緊三份工一星期返四至七日，真係力不從心，下年C好大機會要隔個大西洋工作，到時我就要放棄相當嘅工時，我諗住到時再開始讀返書。

十月後放棄咗今年唔繼續讀書我多咗時間睇書睇戲。返香港時理解到無論如何我嘅湯底都係香港人，但我認識嘅人和事都面目全非，就算想keep住來往都無能為力，自作多情。我嚟咗呢度十幾年，搬咗十次有多，東南西北都住過晒，都仲未搵到生存嘅方法，都係無乜朋友，所以fb ig 好上癮，以空虛填補寂寞，但基本上都無乜人會再update fb ig，睇來睇去都係叫我follow 啲新人或者近排大熱嘅話題就係咁出現，我真係無碌 fb 時又完全唔覺知少咗啲乜，而家啲細路用tiktok我一路都好怕 reel 所以 youtube shorts/ tiktok 就算harmless fun我都follow唔到。一路以嚟個人無論係咩環境都埋唔到堆我都無計。

講書嘅話，年頭我聖誕後買咗 David Speigelhater The Art of Uncertainty 同 Tim Chivers 嘅 Everything is Predictable，多得啲stat 書同少少Linkedin Learning 我呃到下人我識計數就多咗份之前唔會諗住有我份嘅工，但係到真係的起心乾想轉工時又下下碰壁，世事嘅嘢真係睇唔透。仲有睇咗 Gary Stevenson嘅 The Trading Game，好好笑得嚟又好有教育意義。仲有睇咗 Yurai Noah Harari 嘅Nexus 同 Sarah Wynns Williams 嘅　Careless People 。跟住開始讀masters 一段時間都係睇 reading list – 主要係我真係無太大興趣嘅HR theory，同我好有興趣但唔夠時間讀嘅 welfare capitalism theories 同criticism，今年好忙，無留意新出版嘅書，係上愛丁堡時去咗 Janette Winterston 嘅book launch，我先真係開始睇返我本身有興趣嘅書。

Janette Winterson 本新書叫⟪一個亞拉丁和兩盞燈⟫。本身我無睇過佢寫嘅書，我只係知佢最出名嗰兩本叫⟪Why be happy if you could be normal⟫同埋⟪Oranges are not the only fruit⟫，兩本書嘅命名都好型好反叛，咁咁啱係因為咁啱我要去愛丁堡嗰晚佢有book launch所以我買飛，難得喺愛丁堡文化之都可以去live event，就去下啦咁嘅心態。

點知呢個係我今年最鼓舞嘅其中一個偶遇，真係文化之都睇live朝聖嘅威力。今年一路我都好困擾，一方面度度都教我要對自己誠實，唔好屈就自，但另一方面我就係個人太誠實唔識規矩唔識圓滑先處處碰釘。加上個女好鐘意畫嘢，而家個個都用AI 個個都係宮歧俊，我唔知點同個女講，你繼續畫係有意思，我自己繼續寫繼續畫我都唔知有咩意思。佢本書係講故事嘅力量，每個故事都係有人問，what if? 今年我已經改變咗好多嘢，我唔知下年有乜嘢等緊我，但唯有繼續向前行。

十一月我睇晒 James Davis Sedated :How Modern Capitalism Created our Mental Health Crisis 講而家點解咁多人有精神病咁多人有抑鬱症，同自由經濟主義嘅社會政策加上大財團同政府嘅千絲萬縷。知道係一回事，處身其中又係另一回事。調返轉頭嚟講，點樣可以平衡返幾工人事讀書進收家務湊仔生存係一回必要面對嘅事，為咗乜咁搏又係我無辦法唔面對嘅問題。

今年其中一個收獲係我返香港後睇多咗戲包括 One Day, Adolescence, Dept Q, Slow Horses S4, Pluribus, Stranger Things, Anatomy of The Fall, Le 47, The Zone of Interest, Die, My Love (strongly not recommend), Steve, Jay Kelly, The Holdover ，同年尾有幸睇咗三套話劇。

我想寫多啲，因為消化咗先寫得出，呢個無聊blog/ substack 係我對抗時間，對狂腦殘嘅綿力。

今年我嘗試唔少新嘅嘢，放下咗一啲事，得到好多，失去不少，然後新嘅一年，別無選擇，我又再試過，做一個比今年好嘅人。