Daphne Bennett

If you are looking for advice, you are at the wrong place. I write this blog not because I am an expert of parenting, but because I haven’t a clue, because I am so busy yet so bored. Don’t take this as a hint and tell me what I should do, what I should try, no I am not coming to seek advice either. This is just a place I want to scream I am so tired and I haven’t a ________ clue.

Take today as an example. After I have sent my son to school, I took the dog Penny and my toddler Juno out for a walk at half 9. The dog was anxious today because of the noises next door’s home renovation project made. My 2 year-old is fiercely independent but still trips over whenever she tries to accelerate. The dog runs faster than any living human. I was in the middle of these two fastest and slowest beings and struggling to manage both of them. Eventually we had a peaceful uneventful walk for an hour and got to the park. Juno even met another girl and played next to her. And when it’s time to go, she was very cooperative and signalled to ask me to put her on my back with my sling. (3 days ago she screamed her head off on my back and wiggled to get off) I managed to took her and the dog home without drama. I gave her some biscuits and milk. She wanted to go to nap. Everything was perfect.

Too perfect. I thought I was nailing it. I was so proud, a textbook morning.  I even drew a sketch of her while she slept.

But not so fast. She only napped half an hour. OK. I managed not to not turn the telly on until 4pm. More lego play, took her to pick brother up with the bike, etc And I started making dinner because I knew she had a brief early nap and will be cranky soon. So everyone fed by 6, and while my husband took her to bath, I went to walk the dog again. And when I came home,  she looks tired and I took her upstairs. I thought I must be winning it and can do my stuff alone soon.

And yet, not so fast. She did fall asleep. Very lightly. I couldn’t move at all. For 30mins. That was all. Woke up. Still grumpy. I asked husband to take her, knowing that they probably on the screen again. I couldn’t care less anymore. Husband brought her back to me in 20mins. Still grumpy.

Ya that’s basically it. For a minute or two ever 5 hours I think I must be doing it right, my rightful break that I truely deserve is waiting for me. But reality always proves otherwise. I haven’t had a break, by break I mean not being dictated by these cute tiny humans I have created, for years. I have tried to tick every box you are supposed to do with kids everyday, because instinctively I always want to do the right thing: outdoor time, less screen time, fresh homemade food everyday, routine, being caring and patient like a saint, plus teach my son maths who seems to have made up his mind that he is totally uninterested.  Everything takes so much energy and time. It’s so demanding and frustrating.

Recently I have watched The Lost Daughter on Netflix, starred Olivia Colma , based on the book by Eleanor Farrante. I watched it in front of the kids, skipped all the rude and naughty parts. But still, it rings so much truth. I hope I will have time to write about Farrante soon.

Now I am still waiting the wee one to go back to sleep. As much as I know once these days are over I will miss them being tiny, I still hate how much I have given up for them. Literally, all my freedom and my sanity.

images below are the fragments that I will remember, it won’t be the frustration and pain that I feel drowning in today.

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如果你在找建議，你來錯地方了。我開始寫這個網誌，不是我知道如何照顧我的孩子，而是因為我真的完全不知可以怎樣做，然後很多人會告訴我我應該試甚麼，應該如何做，不，我寫不是我想brainstorm 還有甚麼方法我沒試過，而是我只是想記下我真 haven’t a __________ clue。

就以今日為例，今早大兒上學後，我帶狗仔 Penny 和我的女兒九點出外。其中一個原因是鄰居裝收的機械聲音令 Penny 很不安。我讓現在已經很獨立的女兒步行，兩歲的小孩行得很慢，Penny 的步速比一個跑步選手要快，我在兩者之間拉据，走了一小時，去到公園，玩了半小時，回程時女兒很乖示意讓我在背上孭起她，於是我們十一點半回家，吃了點餅，她就示意要午睡。截至中午，一切簡直是 textbook 般完美，我還趁機畫了她zzz的樣子。但她只是睡了半小時。然後我去給她午餐，一整天到 4 時才開電視，怕她的午睡太早 4時開始做晚飯，6 時吃完我去放 penny，爸爸給她沖涼，回來她開始扭眼瞓。我還以為她能早睡我可以有自己時間。豈料她睡得很淺，我動彈不得，半小時又醒了，我把她給了爸爸，深知爸爸只會和她看電視，但我已經 couldn’t  give a ________ anymore。但20分鐘後爸爸又把她抱回來。

就是這樣，每數小時有一兩分鐘感到自己今天很成功，然後立即給現實打沉。沒人幫手的我自問也很盡力，已經很多年天天也跟著他們和老公的作息，盡量每天有戶外運動，天天自己煮盡少買零食，盡量少任他們看一整天電視，完全控制得好自己的情緒 ，家務做不完就是做不完，但天天也盡量做。所以我對其他人的批評和建議很敏感和抗拒。我已經在這個半浮半沈的狀態，完全沒有自我很多年了。

最近看了olivia colman主演 elenor ferrante 的著作 the lost daughter 。唉，有時間再說。

以下是我知道我會記得的畫面。

(btw 英文版為準）